I can't believe it's been 9 days since my daughter was born after a fast labour. Leaving her at the hospital was the hardest thing I have ever had to do. There are no words to properly describe the grief and physical pain that a person endures when their child dies.
Organising for our daughter to be cremated felt so wrong, sitting in a room with samples of coffins was stifling, originally I wasn't going to go, just my husband and my sister were going to go as I just didn't feel like I could do it, but I'm glad I did. So many forms to fill in and so much money! I had no idea that death and funerals were such big business. We weren't going to see her again after leaving her at the hospital but I felt desperate over the weekend to see her so the funeral home or gained it for us. We saw her, sat with her andand cuddled her for more than an hour and I know we made the right decision. I know I was only holding her body and that she is gone, but it felt so right. Choosing an urn was horrible, they all looked so old fashioned and ugly. I am happy with our choice though, it doesn't look like an urn and is small and we can get it engraved.
The organisation and the photographer that came were amazing, we have already been sent the link so we can download Ava's photos, and soon we will get sent their package. The photos they took are such precious memories that I know we will look back on and be happy we got them done. I have already made a special album and have looked at it many times.
I have booked and paid for our tickets to the Bears of Hope Annual Ball in August. This will be a hard time as Ava was due around this time, but imthinkmit will be a nice way to honour our girl.
I have been looking for some jewellery that will be a nice memorial to Ava. I have chosen a heart
shaped gold locket which will have Ava's footprints engraved on the front and her name and birthdate on the back. I will also put 2 tiny photos of her inside. My generous twin and sister in law are buying it for me.
Our fundraiser is going well raising money for Bears of Hope, we currently are sitting at $1299.00! So that means that 13 Bears and packages will go to families liked us. Thankyou to everybody who has already donated towards this cause.
Time has flown which I find distressing as it means it is more time that I haven't held her, but I can also look at it that I'm one step closer to seeing her again in heaven one day.
Missing our girl everyday, walking through this grief feels unbearable most of the time, but I'm not crying 24/7 so I guess that's a good thing?