2 weeks on...

Ava has been gone for two weeks now, and even though I'm not crying on the outside as much as I was last week, I am still crying on the inside everyday. She is the first thing I think of when I wake up and the last I think of when I go to sleep.

I feel like I have accomplished a lot this week while I move through my grief. We received and have displayed Ava's Recognition certificate which is hung between our other two children's photographs. I have had Ava's photos printed and we have hung six of them in our bedroom and put a couple more around the house. I have met with some friends and been able to share some of Ava's photographs with them, we had my sons 3rd birthday party and was helped by friends putting this on - I even made his cake, I have resumed doing my daughters weekly speech therapy, which involves therapy every day to try and get her stutter under control. I have attended my daughters parent teacher interview and was pleased that despite me feeling like a failure of a parent to my daughter in kindergarten, she is doing well at school. I have made my complaints to the crematorium (2 complaints now) and have also made a formal complaint to the hospital where Ava was taken to have her Autopsy. I have continued our fundraiser on behalf of Ava and currently have enough for 15.5 Bears and packages! Thankyou!

Grief is weird. I think for a lot of people it is completely consuming, and it definitely consumes me at the moment, but as most people who know me well, they know I can't just sit still doing nothing, I normally have a few balls thrown in the air at the same time. So forcing myself to be advocating for my daughter and trying to pick myself up everyday to get my daughter off to school and care for my son and also support my husband who is grieving (and also in pain after an accident with boiling water which has left him with a large burn on his arm) is good for me. Some people have commented that I seem much better, and physically I am much better.

However

A broken heart can't be seen or even heard through a stethoscope, but it is painful, the most painful wound I have ever had, it won't heal in time as "time does not heal all wounds" as the saying goes. I know this from prior life experiences. I know I will adapt, change and cope with my "new normal" but it's going to be a slow process.

March is almost over which makes me sad, as that is my daughters birth month. When it is March again it will be the time she would of turned 1 and we would of had a party for her.

Missing my baby every day xxx