It’s been awhile since I have written, yet it doesn’t mean I think about our Ava Grace any less often.
I have taken on a new role at my work which I am loving but it does take more of my time and my three children I hold in my arms keep me very busy with all their commitments and activities!
I am still donating baby clothes made lovingly by amazing volunteers to hospitals for bereaved families, just at a much slower pace. I always said I wanted Ava Grace No Footprint Too Small to be sustainable and long term and this is proving to be the case after almost six years. It has been lovely but at the same time heartbreaking to be contacted by hospitals who have previously accepted our baby clothes asking for more. The need is always going to be there unfortunately, but at least this is one way myself and other volunteers can help.
This year Ava would have been starting kindergarten. The lead up to the day was extremely different as I fell became into deep grief. I am fortunate that I have found ways to function even when deep grief hits me so that life continues but the pain is very real and still physically hurts. My baby girl is almost 6 years old in heaven. February is a hard month as I re-live every appointment, every scan, every invasive test I went through hoping and praying we would bring home a healthy baby girl. This leads into March and her birthday on the 16th. For the past few years I have marked her birthday by purchasing gifts for my three living children. I wrap them up and they open them. The way I see it is that I am desperate to see Ava opening her presents with excitement which will sadly never happen so it makes me happy to see my three living children opening a present for themselves for being brave living their lives without their sister. I will be shopping for their presents in the next few weeks.
The thought that I have lived almost six years without Ava takes my breathe away. It seems like a lifetime but also like it was just yesterday that I was holding her. People often think grief goes away. It doesn’t, you just learn to live walking beside it. If Ava were here our family would be entering a new season with all of our kids in primary school. Our life’s path is different to what we were envisioning six years ago but it’s also a good path and one with a three year old that I cherish! I love my time at home with him watching him explore and develop. He has only two more years until he starts kindergarten.
Thank you in advance for saying Ava’s name and wishing her a Happy 6th Birthday next month. I will never ignore her birthday or pretend she didn’t exist even though some people may feel uncomfortable. She was here and made her footprint 👣 in this world and on my heart.
