The "how many children do you have" question

Today I took my son to get a haircut. The hairdresser and I were chatting about kids and then she asked me "how many kids do you have?" I felt like time stood still and then I said "2" and immediately felt guilty while she continued chatting away. 

I knew this question would come and I was so prepared to say "I have 3 children, 2 here and 1 in heaven" but I got so scared. I didn't want the pity look, I didn't want the awkward silence OR the awkward questions. 

I have felt like a terrible mum all day and can't stop myself from going over the conversation over and over again in my head. I do have 3 children and I really seek to acknowledge Ava everyday, which is easy with people I know and am comfortable with, but with a stranger it just hit me hard. 

I have no idea how I'll respond next time. 

Having your baby die is hard. Having to live without them while life continues is even harder.

A 4cm Angel Baby Nappy

Hooray! I finally made a nappy that I would be happy to give away tonight! It is 4cm which is just a bit smaller than the nappies we were given for Ava. I really like the material I chose - very fitting for a little princess. Now to make another one that is exactly the same size. 

When donating them I want to give them in packs of 2 - one to dress their baby in and one to keep forever to remember them. That's what I loved most when we were given Ava's nappies in the hospital. 

At the time of giving birth to a baby that has died it is very difficult to think straight and think about what will be important in the future - so to be given a pack of 2 identical tiny nappies and told by the midwife that one was for Ava to wear and one to keep was so special. Of course tiny babies don't need to wear a nappy but for the parents they most certainly do. It shows that they were here and it is important to show them dignity and respect for the life that they were! 

Some of my favourite photos of our Ava Grace are her naked just wearing her tiny nappy and her beanie. Her little body was so perfect and she looked at peace. 

First Tiny Angel parcel to be donated

I have been practicing sewing all weekend, after throwing out a lot of my first attempts, I am finally happy with the results I'm getting at making tiny baby blankets. Tiny baby nappies are going to take a lot more practice though! 

A friend contacted me and asked if she was able to get a blanket for someone she knows who needs an angel blanket. 

It makes me sad to think that as quickly as I started to sew, another family needed a blanket. Too many babies die, just heartbreaking. 

My husband made some cards and stickers that have Ava's footprints and story and we packaged up 2 blankets, one for them to keep and one for their baby. 

 

The other blankets I have made will be given to the hospital I gave birth at. I know how precious the blankets and things we were to us. 

This is a pic of today's blankets and a few nappies. 

Talking about Ava Grace daily

Our daughters name Ava Grace has been said every single day for almost 6 weeks. I love saying her name, I love writing her name and I love hearing her name. Talking to other women who have had their children die makes me sad when I hear that they have been told to stop talking about their babies    , and for some of them their babies haven't been gone very long at all. It seems very natural for me to talk about Ava daily. I would be devastated if someone told me to stop talking about her just because she isn't here anymore. Luckily I have very supportive friends and family who also like to talk about Ava. I intend to talk about Ava and say her name every day for the rest of my life, which I don't think will be hard considering that I talk about and say my other two living children's names daily so why would I not do the same with my youngest daughter Ava.

You might think that there surely can't be too much for me to talk about when it comes to a baby who wasn't here very long, and I probably do repeat myself a lot, but you would be surprised at the memories you can make in a short space of time when it is so important to you. Today for instance I shared with 2 different people the story of how we came up with Ava's name. I can remember the entire conversation that my husband and I had when choosing Ava's name. 

I love that my husband and I are both on the same page when it comes to sharing Ava too, he mentions her all the time and my children talk about her more and more. 

I worry some people might think I've become quite morbid because I talk of my dead baby so often but those people have clearly never held their dead baby so until they do (and I hope they never do) they have no idea and their opinion means very little to me. 

I can't and will not pretend that Ava wasn't here, when I read stroies of women who years ago never getting even a glimpse of their son or daughter it breaks my heart. Our time with Ava (almost 24 hours) was so precious and she left such an imprint on hour hearts. That's why I will say her name every day of my life. 

AVA GRACE          ~        AVA GRACE         ~           AVA GRACE           ~           AVA GRACE

Being in a sad place, not a dark place

I was talking to a friend today about how I'm finding my way through my grief over Ava so thought I would share it. I commented that I am so grateful to have 2 living children with me, because without them I could very easily still be under the covers, hiding in my bed, and not having gone anywhere the last 5 weeks including not talking to anyone. 

When I read and hear of the experiences of women who have had their 1st and only child die, my heart just breaks a little bit more. When I had my miscarriage before having my first daughter Ella, I had the added grief of wondering if I ever would be a mother, I felt like a bit of a mother for carrying a child even for only a short while, but I had nothing to show for that time except empty arms. If it was Ava that died  before having my children I know I would be in a completly different place. 

Having 2 children who really needed me, forced me to get out of bed, get dressed and go about life as well as I could. I didn't want to go to playgroup with my son, I didn't want to take my daughter to school, I didn't want to go to church and I didn't want to go and do the grocery shopping. However, my son needed to see his friends and interact with other kids, my daughter has to go to school, I myself needed to go to church and we needed food to eat so I had to go shopping. In the early days my sister was staying with us so we were lucky she did a lot of the running around with the kids, made important phone calls, shopped, cooked etc, and when she went home my husband totally stepped up and did all of this. But I'm the mum and my kids needed me to be present, so I have done the best I could and done all of the usual "mum" things. 

So I do think having kids has saved me from spiralling into a really dark place, instead of just a really sad place.

The hard thing about being right in the middle of your grief when you have other children to care for is that sometimes I feel like I can't fully grieve like I want to in peace. Sometimes I really, really want to scream, like a gut wrenching massive scream that the whole universe can hear. And a lot of the time I just want to cry and let the tears fall whenever and wherever as often as I like. I can't do this because I don't want my kids to be traumatised, they have already been through so much. 

I wonder if anyone else feels like me? I know that everyone grieves differently, everyone feels loss differently so I can only speak for myself.

A beautiful doll and my first day back at work

This March ballerina doll is beautiful and such a perfect gift for a little girl! My friend Nicole gave it to me today when I went back to work. It will sit with all of Ava's special things that are displayed. 

It was a hard day and I'm glad it's over as all the "firsts" are hard for me. Lots of support and hugs with my friends and I even got to share some of my pictures of Ava with a few too. I love telling Ava's story and just how perfect she was at such an early gestation. My friends were surprised that even such a tiny baby could have everything perfectly formed, right down to her fingernails. 

One thing that has surprised me about grief is how exhausting it is. I really enjoyed the professional development today as it was on a topic I am really interested in but I am so tired. I think maybe it is because my head is so full of other thoughts and memories that I am trying to process at the moment which makes it hard to concentrate and tires me easily. Regardless it was good to be back in such a familiar place doing what I do best! 

Back to work, back to life

I start back at work tomorrow, it's been 5 weeks since meeting and saying goodbye to Ava and 6 weeks since I have been at work. I am

looking forward to going back to work, getting back in our family routine, but it's just another reminder that life moves on despite of how we are feeling or where we are at. At some point I had to go back to work, and so did my husband. While I'm still deep in my grief it feels like I'm looking at the world moving but I'm still "stuck" in my place where I was 5 weeks ago holding Ava Grace. 

I know I can do this, I have so much support from my colleagues, I just have to take that step forward and move forward, although I know I will never move on or get over that moment at 11:58am 5 weeks ago. 

Missing my Ava Grace. 

Mum if we get to keep another baby...

We took the kids to a park we hadn't been to today and then had brunch at a cafe. It was a really nice morning and as we were waiting Ella said to me "Mum, if we get to have another baby and if that baby gets to come live at home and stays with us can I get a bike like those bikes over there that have a little baby seat? I really want to ride my bike with the baby on the back, I didn't get to do that with Ava". 

It really knocked me for six as I looked over at Mat who looked as shocked as I did. I'm sure most kids don't talk about IF a baby comes home, they talk about WHEN an expected baby comes home. It made me sad to think that even at 5 years old my daughter knows that bringing a baby home from hospital that gets to stay and live with the family is just a given! She knows that babies get sick, really sick. She knows that babies die. She knows that some sisters don't get to stay with their families and do all the fun things that they had planned to do. 

I hate that at 5, her world has already been shattered by the loss of her little sister. I hate that I'm now a different mum to how I was before I was a mother to 2 living children and 1 in heaven. 

Sewing a tiny angel baby nappy

This is my first attempt at making a tiny angel baby nappy. I have cut out 3 different sizes to sew. This was very rough so I will need to make a lot more before I would want to give them away to hospitals, but I was pretty happy with my first attempt. 

Flower Delivery

I am feeling so down today. I guess that's  how I should expect to be feeling when I only have 2 children, not 3 children with me today a month on from having Ava. 

We took the kids to wet'n'wild today - after all that is what the kids wanted to do with Ava had she not died.

When we arrived home, I was cheered up by seeing a box of flowers left at our door - it was from the parents and children from the class I teach! Such a great day to receive them.

One Month without Ava Grace

Ava Grace was born into our arms one month ago on the 16th March at 11:58am. She was perfect in every way. She has changed me, she has changed our family. 

I have always loved the saying "There is no footprint to small for this world" and that is certainly true in Ava's case. 

We love her and miss her and can't wait to see her again!

I have thought long and hard over the past month about if and what photos I should post of Ava as her photos are sacred to us. However, I also want Ava's story to be life affirming to others. She was here, her life may not have been recognised by the government as she was born under the "magic" 20 weeks gestation but she matters so much to us. 

Every life counts, no matter how small or how long they were here for. 

                  Ava Grace Johnson

My first tiny Angel baby blanket

Think I did a pretty good job at my first attempt at sewing a tiny angel baby blanket - though don't look too closely! 

Princess Elsa

I have been crying my eyes out all afternoon. Just a bad day I guess, although it is Ava's one month anniversary tomorrow so that may be why. Seeing my daughter dress up in her new "Frozen Elsa" dress was a really special moment for me. We held it next to Ava's summer dress she wore in the hospital and the kids talked about her new dress being her winter dress - they are the exact same size so easy to picture her in it at her birth size. Oliver wanted a photo with Ava's dress too so he is pictured here holding Her summer dress (while he is wearing an elsa cape!) 

 

Package delivery for Ella and Ava

There was a package that was delivered today to our house. The first thing I noticed was that it was addressed to both my daughters - I loved seeing this a sin fact is the first time I have seen their names together. A very special person (Claire) sent this to us after reading my earlier blog post about what my niece Hannah had said about the tiny dolls dress fitting Ava and she offered to buy it for us. This has meant the world to me so thank you! 

I kept looking the dolls dress and was thinking it definitely looked like it was Ava's size so got a tape measure  it was 15cm long  - Ava was 15.5cm when she was born so this dress really is the perfect size :) Hannah, my niece was right when she spotted it and said she thought the dress would fit Ava. 

I only wish I had a picture of both my girls wearing their matching dresses! 

Heartfelt Photography Package

Today we received our Heartfelt Photography Package in the mail. I love how they package everything so nicely, just another way to say "we care, your photos are precious". In the boxed package we received printed photographs from the session with our amazing Heartfelt photographer and also a USB with Ava's name writte beautifully on it so that we can easily store and print her photos. We also have access to an online gallery which we have been able to download from - this was available in just days after Ava's death. 

This organisation is amazing! Professional photographers giving up their time in their already busy lives to drop what they are doing and travel (sometimes hours) to take photographic memories for families so they have something to cherish and look back and remember for years to come. 

We felt incredibly blessed by our Heartfelt photographer. Babies that are born as young as Ava's gestation and size are not usually photographed by Heartfelt. Ava was weeks youger and hundreds of grams smaller so we were incredibly lucky to have the photographer respond to us. 

She showed us and Ava so much care during the session. I was quite sick when she arrived so wasn't able to stand or do much, but she quietly went about what she had come to do and listened to us and Ava's story. She dressed And undressed Ava as I was too sick to do it and wrapped her and held her. I was amazed at her compassion in what must have been confronting circumstances. She took almost 60 photos and they are extraordinary - she managed to capture Ava's beauty amongst devastation and the details that her photographs show would be award winning. Every tiny detail, including her fingernails and knuckles, to her tiny lips and nose, as well as her ears were all captured for us. 

Our photographer came to us in our time of greatest need and did such a wonderful job. 

Thankyou to our photographer and to everyone who volunteers their time to the wonderful organisation of Heartfelt. Please never underestimate the gift you are giving to the families you meet. 

http://www.heartfelt.org.au

Our "Ava" Rose

Our good friend Rachel gave us this Rose bush. I love that we have something in our front garden to remember Ava - I just hope it doesn't die! I am a hopeless gardener! 

4 weeks today

I gave birth to Ava 4 weeks ago. Our daughter died 4 weeks ago on Monday 16th March . I really dislike Monday's now, I hope this will change as Monday's come around every single week. It just keeps getting further away since I held her. I guess I could also look at it that I'm 4 weeks closer to seeing her again in heaven.

I feel like I have returned to a semi normal life. I have been out with friends, I have taken my children to places, I even visited a good friend is hospital last night and held her new born baby. That baby would have been grown up and been good friends Ava as they would have been at the same school together. I thought I might cry when I saw her, I didnt, I held it together for hours actually. I made sure I had my cry before I even went in to meet her. It's amzing how tiny newborns are and how light they are. You totally forget, even though your babies were that size once. But then I have held even a smaller baby, a much lighter baby. They both had the same perfect features as I looked at her tiny nose and ears and feet, they were just born at very different gestations.

I still feel like I have a constant lump in my throat, I feel like there are still a lot of times I could cry at any second, but I also constantly surprise myself that I'm not crying all the time. Sometimes it feels unnatural that I haven't cried during the day out loud, although it feels like I have tears falling on the inside.

I return to work in 1 week. That feels weird, although I think it feel weirder going back in term 3 when I should have been starting maternity leave. I'm trying to psych myself up for it. I guess it will be a good distraction for me. It just feels like EVERYTHING has changed, like I'm coming back a different person.

4 weeks is way too long to not have my daughter with me.

Ava's cardigans knitted by Grandma J

These 3 newborn cardigans were knitted by my mother in law. She has always knitted beautiful things - cardigans, jumpers  and beanies for my children and they have all worn them home from hospital. I have a special little suitcase for E & O where I keep the first outfits they wore home, including their cardigan and beanie knitted by their Grandma. She somehow knows just how big they will be when they are born as they always fit perfectly! 

Ava's are of course too big for the size she was when born but it's nice holding them and imagining a full term baby wearing them. I think I would have chosen the Lilac colour one for her going home outfit. My mother in law is amazing and I am so glad she is in my life, she told me each stitch she did was sending love and was knitted with a prayer. When she gave them to me she said she was happy if I kept them all or have them away to my sister in law who has recently had a baby girl or to someone else. I thought about giving them away, but I just can't, it would be nice to see them worn by another little girl, but they are Ava's. Maybe one day if we ever have another baby and she is a girl and we get to bring her home, she might wear one of Ava's cardigans, and that will be nice. 

Ava's ashes are home

Ava's ashes are home now. After the huge fiasco with the crematorium we finally have Ava's ashes put back together and fitted in one urn - not the horrible blue plastic box and a tiny urn we were given the first time when we picked her ashes up! I actually like the new urn better, it doesn't look like an urn which was important to us, and is perfect for a little girl.

The crematorium staff have obviously learnt from their mistakes as treated us very well when we had our appointment and got the ashes transferred very quickly while we waited, as we had previously been told we would have to leave them there and then come and collect another day for them to do it - even though it was their mistake!

I really hope other families who have tiny babies aren't put through the same horrors we were put through when organising their babies cremation.

People there have been held accountable and changes have been made all because of Ava, so that's a very good thing. I am still angry, particularly about Ava's disposed of Angel Gown wrap but I know I need to let it go and move on and hope that they follow the new procedure of NEVER disposing of ANYTHING that belongs to a child without permission from the family.

Learning how to sew

I bought this sewing machine today, was a bargain at good old Aldi! Now I need to teach myself how to sew tiny baby things so I can donate them to Angel Gowns Australia and hospitals. I think I'll start with some tiny blankets and wraps :)

A dress for Ava

 My sister sent me a message with a picture today. 

My 6 year old niece Hannah said to my sister "I think that tiny dress (the dolls one) may have fit Ava". I LOVE that Ava is on the mind of people I love daily! I think I'm going to have to go find this dress! Ella can have the frozen dress and I'll keep the little one :) 

Ava's special things

I have set this area up for Ava's things. In the memory box (my mothers group gave me this) it holds her clothes we were given in the hospital, ID bands, her blanket and other small mementos. The frame that includes Ava's name was given to me from my best friend Leah and next to it is the Bear of Hope we were given before we left the hospital. Her replacement Angel Gown Wrap is in front of her frame. My plan is to make a memory box frame where I can display her clothes, footprints and special things and hang it above here.  

Mementos that are precious

Every single thing we were given for Ava is precious to us. That includes the paper ruler which the midwife measured Ava with. Her HC is marked and her length is marked. Even though she was tiny, I still get taken by surprise when I look at how long she was! Teeny tiny princess! 

Hospital name ID band

Baby blankets

I was amazed by what we were given for Ava while we stayed in hospital with our girl. These two blankets were given to wrap, hold and take home to remember our lil girl. 

Nappies made with love

We were given and Ava was dressed in a teeny tiny nappy. We were given two, one for Ava to wear and one to keep. I would love to learn how to make these for other Angel babies. The hospital midwives gave us these. They were made by Angel Baby Nappies. My favourite photos of Ava are her just dressed in her nappy and her beanie.

Knitted hat and booties

This is Ava's beanie that she wore for some of her photos, it was such a great size and I loved the colours. The booties were too big but I still treasure them. These were also gifts from the hospital that someone had made and donated for tiny Angel Babies.

Ava's cute dress

The midwives at the hospital were fantastic and we can never thank them enough for the love and care they showed to us and Ava. They talked about, they talked to and held and cared for Ava as if she were full term and still here. They brought us clothes and blankets that are donated by different people and groups. This photo shows Ava's dress. Very cute and I love the polka dots! The silver name badge was given to us by my parents in law. 

Ways to honour Ava

I've been thinking of ways to honour Ava's memory, so I'm thinking I need to learn how to sew, as then I could make tiny baby clothes like we were given in the hospital that we could dress Ava in. If I got really good with sewing I could even sew for the Angel Gown organisation. 

Or I could start running and then everytime there was a local fun run I could run and raise money for Bears of hope, Pregnancy loss Australia, Angel Gowns or Heartfelt. 

If anyone else has any other ideas, please let me know! 

My three Angels E, A and O

My "Ava" locket

Thankyou to my twin Nicole and her family and sister in law Belinda and family for my "Ava" locket. I love it, it has Ava's footprints engraved on the front and her name and birthdate on the back of the locket. I can't wait to put two photos of her inside to keep her close to me! 

The locket was bought from the online company: http://www.keepsakejewellery.com.au

Our first miscarriage 2008

Before any of our children were born, my husband and I suffered through a missed miscarriage. I was 8.5 weeks pregnant when I found out and was 10 weeks when I had a D&C procedure, as there were still no signs I would naturally miscarry.

At the time we were devastated. I remember feeling like it was "meant to be". We were just about to start fertility treatment when we found out I was pregnant, we were so excited! 

We went on a cruise and during that time I started feeling uneasy, I remember telling my husband that I didn't feel pregnant anymore (not that I had many symptoms to start with) and that as soon as we were home I wanted to go to the doctor, and that's what I did as soon as we arrived home. The doctor told me my HCG results showed good rises in the previous weeks and were at appropriate levels. I pushed for an ultrasound even though she told me I was worrying over nothing. I couldn't get in for an ultrasound for a week as it wasn't classed as an emergency". 

The day of the ultrasound I was at work and went to the bathroom seeing a minuscule spot of blood. I went into a state of panic and shock and just knew it wasn't going to end well. My work colleagues were fabulous and my boss drove me to my obstetrician and my husband met me there. My OB did an ultrasound and told us I was mis carrying, the baby looked like it had been gone about 2 weeks. 

We were told it would be better for my body to miscarry naturally as less risks, however nothing else happened so that's why I had a D&C procedure the following week as I couldn't bear the thought of waiting for the inevitable and that could still be weeks away. 

I remember feeling so angry that no one wanted to believe me when I said I knew something was wrong weeks earlier. People just thought I was being anxious for no reason and told me I should just relax and enjoy the pregnancy.

I felt so stupid for living life thinking I was pregnant when I actually hadn't been for weeks. I never want to ever have that feeling again, and I will always insist on early scan because of this fact. I know it won't change the outcome but walking around not knowing if the baby is alive or not is a terrible feeling.

It was that day we knew out baby was gone that took away the joy of pregnancy for me. I knew I could never get that back, and I'm still angry and sad about that, even 6 years later. It felt like everyone I knew was pregnant and everywhere i went all I saw was pregnant people and mums with babies.

I was only 25 years old at the time, so I felt very alone. None of my close friends had had a miscarriage that I knew of and at that age your supposedly "low risk". People said all the wrong things such as "the must have been something wrong with the baby, your lucky it was early on, these things are meant to be, your young, you can more, it obviously wasn't the right time".

I remember waking up after the D&C in recovery and I was crying. The nurse who was sitting next to me turned and patted my hand and said "don't cry you are so young, you will have lots more babies".

That just made me cry more - how dare she say that, she didn't know my history, how did she know what I would have more babies? She didn't know I already had 2 diagnosed fertility issues - endometriosis and polycystic ovarian syndrome. At that point, I was so incredibly scared that this baby that was now gone was maybe my only chance of being a mother. I really hope that nurse did some more training in how to respond to women in the same situation, as she needed to learn what was an appropriate thing to say to a grieving mother. 

I had a lot of very compassionate friends, family and work colleagues who let me grieve in my own way and time. I was very distraught and found it hard to talk about what had happened for quite 

awhile. Looking back, maybe it in some way prepared me for what would happen in years to come?

Having lost Ava at a much later gestation, I am so thankful that I got to meet and see and hold her for an amazing 24 hours after her birth. With an early miscarriage you don't have that opportunity. I have no idea if our baby was a boy or a girl. I don't know why that pregnancy ended. I have no idea what she/he looked like. Both M and I think she may have been a girl, and when our daughter E was born we gave her a middle name which was what I think we would have named our first girl.

Eventually I did move on and get over the pain of loss. On that babies EDD of 21st May I still think of her and what could have been, but then I wouldn't of had our E and I couldn't imagine life without her, being pregnant again months later definetly helped the healing process. I was pregnant again before her EDD rolled around and it gave me something positive to focus on (even though the pregnancy was incredibly difficult for its own reasons, but that's a a whole other post!) 

My grief feels entirely different this time round and I think that's due to the length of time carrying her, seeing her very often on ultrasound moving around and knowing her story even before she was born - due to being given such a poor prenatal diagnosis early on and giving birth and holding your child- dead or alive changes you.  However I can't really compare the two as I am sad for different reasons about  both pregnancies. 

If you have had a miscarriage please don't think I am dismissing it, I am not at all, when I had mine I felt like my world had ended, and it did change me as im sure it changed you whether in a small or big way. This is just a part of my story. 

Ava at 9.5 weeks

This is Ava at 9.5 weeks gestation. This shows the cystic hygroma on her back.

Ultrasound pic

I love her sweet smile! 

First Easter without Ava

All day I've felt pretty great, I loved church this morning celebrating Jesus rising from the cross, and then had a lovely day with my family. I talked about Ava a lot and showed some of Ava's things and her photos. It felt really good. 

But now I'm not feeling so good. Even though Ava should of been safely growing inside of me, she isn't - and that means that it is our first Easter without her. A milestone we have now passed, and many more to come. 

I've tried distracting myself with school work (I'm a primary school teacher) but that hasn't really been successful as I find myself highly distracted and unmotivated wheareas I am normally the opposite and once I get on a roll I can get lots of work done. 

I have tried watching TV but I can't focus on the storyline tonight either, my mind keeps wandering. 

I did the ironing and while I got through a massive pile I couldn't even tell you what I ironed. 

Your mind when you are deep in grief feels so foggy. I feel like I can pretend and appear well and normal but in actual fact I can't concentrate on a single thing. Everything I read says that grief is a process and you can't rush it, which is hard for a person like me. I WANT to get to the other side of it quickly, I want to be able to concentrate and be motivated and get things done. I hate feeling so tired all the time, it's a good thing I have 2 kids who need me because otherwise it would be very easy to stay in bed or veg on the lounge all day - which if you know me, I very rarely do! 

I don't want my kids to have boring holidays just because I'm feeling sad and out of it, I have two weeks to enjoy my daughters break from kindergarten where she is with me and her brother everyday. My kids are moving on, so would be nice if I could too.

Missing my baby on her first Easter xx

One day I will get to see and hold my girl again

Jesus has Risen! He is not on the cross anymore, the tomb is empty and he has risen! Thankyou God for sending your son Jesus so that he could pay for our sins so that we can have eternal life in heaven.

Only because of what Jesus has done on the cross 2000 years ago has meant that I will one day see my daughter Ava again, healthy and healed in Heaven and I will get to hold her again.

I have always loved Easter, as it is such a celebration for Christians, but this Easter weekend, although I'm sad im not celebrating with Ava in my arms, I am even more excited. I am more excited because although I have always believed and known that Jesus is real and that heaven is where I will end up for eternity, I am just so thankful for the hope and assurance that because of what Jesus did on the cross for my sins means not only will I be in heaven when I die but that I will get to spend it with Ava. As we told our children - Ava went straight to heaven to be with Jesus - I miss her and can't wait to be reunited again, even though it will hopefully not be for a very long time as I need to see E & O grow up. Ava is being well taken care of by our Heavenly Father until I can hold her again.


Happy Easter everyone!

John 3:16-17New International Version (NIV)

16 For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life. 17 For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through him.

I will carry you - by the band Selah

This song is amazing. It was written for a baby who had a prenatal diagnosis where they knew that they wouldn't live.

It is by the band Selah and is called "I will carry you"

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=J2CnUtVY35o

I love seeing my children's names written together

Thanks to my BB girls for this gorgeous gift - never even met one of you in person, yet you are some of my closest friends, love doing life with you xxx

When people say nothing at all

I have tried really hard to "return to life" this past week. I have always been a bit of a go getter, and feel like I need to force myself to rip the bandaid off and get back into things, no matter how ready or not I am at the moment, but I only have 2 weeks left until I plan to return back to work and so I feel like I really need to do this.

I feel like I have coped pretty well so far - ok, I have been ACTING well. Those drama lessons as a kid have really paid off :) as an actor, it is important to make sure you are constantly observing what everyone else is doing - and that is exactly what I have been doing. I feel like I am not myself, almost as if I am looking at my life from the outside. 

My observations have shown me that people just don't know what to do or say. A lot of people have complely ignored what has happened, which is quite upsetting as I would never ignore a big life event, such as the birth of their "live" baby. Pretending not to have known or not acknowledging that I have just given birth to my daughter just a few short weeks ago does not make sense to me. I understand it is uncomfortable for people, but it's worse for the person who is desperate for you to say their child's name. I haven't just been missing from events because we have been away on holidays or have been too busy, I have been busy birthing my daughter, saying goodbye to my daughter, attending appointments and organising my daughters cremation. 

There are the people who talk to you and make small talk, the people who don't talk to you at all and there are the people who talk and ask about Ava, or even if they don't talk, they give you a hug or even a knowing look. 

Ava was here, not for very long, but she was here all the same and her life was and is just as important to me as my other two living children and people ask about and comment on them all the time. 

It may sound like I'm angry about it but I'm not. I'm just sad that people can't put themselves out of their comfort zone for a few minutes, and not worry about what they might say to upset me because nothing someone could say could hurt me anymore than how I am already hurting, and you might actually see my crack a smile. I don't just break down in tears when I talk about her (in fact quite the opposite at the moment- though that has happened and will probably happen again but only with my closest friends) I love talking about my children, my three children, my two daughters and son. 

I'm just writing this post so that if you ever have a friend or know someone who has a child who has
died, please acknoweldge them, please ask about them. I have lots to say about Ava and what she looked like, what her birth was like, what she felt like to hold and cuddle and lots more.

Thanks to those people who have asked, talked about, acknowledged or sent a message, a card or given me a hug xxx

March was a huge month for our family. 2015 will always be an important year for our family. 

Silent Tears Poem - so true

A gift for us

Thankyou Leah! We love it and are so glad you got to meet and see our girl xxx