Mum if we get to keep another baby...

We took the kids to a park we hadn't been to today and then had brunch at a cafe. It was a really nice morning and as we were waiting Ella said to me "Mum, if we get to have another baby and if that baby gets to come live at home and stays with us can I get a bike like those bikes over there that have a little baby seat? I really want to ride my bike with the baby on the back, I didn't get to do that with Ava". 

It really knocked me for six as I looked over at Mat who looked as shocked as I did. I'm sure most kids don't talk about IF a baby comes home, they talk about WHEN an expected baby comes home. It made me sad to think that even at 5 years old my daughter knows that bringing a baby home from hospital that gets to stay and live with the family is just a given! She knows that babies get sick, really sick. She knows that babies die. She knows that some sisters don't get to stay with their families and do all the fun things that they had planned to do. 

I hate that at 5, her world has already been shattered by the loss of her little sister. I hate that I'm now a different mum to how I was before I was a mother to 2 living children and 1 in heaven.