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Sunday, 5 April 2015

First Easter without Ava

All day I've felt pretty great, I loved church this morning celebrating Jesus rising from the cross, and then had a lovely day with my family. I talked about Ava a lot and showed some of Ava's things and her photos. It felt really good. 

But now I'm not feeling so good. Even though Ava should of been safely growing inside of me, she isn't - and that means that it is our first Easter without her. A milestone we have now passed, and many more to come. 

I've tried distracting myself with school work (I'm a primary school teacher) but that hasn't really been successful as I find myself highly distracted and unmotivated wheareas I am normally the opposite and once I get on a roll I can get lots of work done. 

I have tried watching TV but I can't focus on the storyline tonight either, my mind keeps wandering. 

I did the ironing and while I got through a massive pile I couldn't even tell you what I ironed. 

Your mind when you are deep in grief feels so foggy. I feel like I can pretend and appear well and normal but in actual fact I can't concentrate on a single thing. Everything I read says that grief is a process and you can't rush it, which is hard for a person like me. I WANT to get to the other side of it quickly, I want to be able to concentrate and be motivated and get things done. I hate feeling so tired all the time, it's a good thing I have 2 kids who need me because otherwise it would be very easy to stay in bed or veg on the lounge all day - which if you know me, I very rarely do! 

I don't want my kids to have boring holidays just because I'm feeling sad and out of it, I have two weeks to enjoy my daughters break from kindergarten where she is with me and her brother everyday. My kids are moving on, so would be nice if I could too.

Missing my baby on her first Easter xx

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