But now I'm not feeling so good. Even though Ava should of been safely growing inside of me, she isn't - and that means that it is our first Easter without her. A milestone we have now passed, and many more to come.
I've tried distracting myself with school work (I'm a primary school teacher) but that hasn't really been successful as I find myself highly distracted and unmotivated wheareas I am normally the opposite and once I get on a roll I can get lots of work done.
I have tried watching TV but I can't focus on the storyline tonight either, my mind keeps wandering.
I did the ironing and while I got through a massive pile I couldn't even tell you what I ironed.
Your mind when you are deep in grief feels so foggy. I feel like I can pretend and appear well and normal but in actual fact I can't concentrate on a single thing. Everything I read says that grief is a process and you can't rush it, which is hard for a person like me. I WANT to get to the other side of it quickly, I want to be able to concentrate and be motivated and get things done. I hate feeling so tired all the time, it's a good thing I have 2 kids who need me because otherwise it would be very easy to stay in bed or veg on the lounge all day - which if you know me, I very rarely do!
I don't want my kids to have boring holidays just because I'm feeling sad and out of it, I have two weeks to enjoy my daughters break from kindergarten where she is with me and her brother everyday. My kids are moving on, so would be nice if I could too.
Missing my baby on her first Easter xx