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Monday, 6 April 2015

Our first miscarriage 2008

Before any of our children were born, my husband and I suffered through a missed miscarriage. I was 8.5 weeks pregnant when I found out and was 10 weeks when I had a D&C procedure, as there were still no signs I would naturally miscarry.

At the time we were devastated. I remember feeling like it was "meant to be". We were just about to start fertility treatment when we found out I was pregnant, we were so excited! 

We went on a cruise and during that time I started feeling uneasy, I remember telling my husband that I didn't feel pregnant anymore (not that I had many symptoms to start with) and that as soon as we were home I wanted to go to the doctor, and that's what I did as soon as we arrived home. The doctor told me my HCG results showed good rises in the previous weeks and were at appropriate levels. I pushed for an ultrasound even though she told me I was worrying over nothing. I couldn't get in for an ultrasound for a week as it wasn't classed as an emergency". 

The day of the ultrasound I was at work and went to the bathroom seeing a minuscule spot of blood. I went into a state of panic and shock and just knew it wasn't going to end well. My work colleagues were fabulous and my boss drove me to my obstetrician and my husband met me there. My OB did an ultrasound and told us I was mis carrying, the baby looked like it had been gone about 2 weeks. 

We were told it would be better for my body to miscarry naturally as less risks, however nothing else happened so that's why I had a D&C procedure the following week as I couldn't bear the thought of waiting for the inevitable and that could still be weeks away. 

I remember feeling so angry that no one wanted to believe me when I said I knew something was wrong weeks earlier. People just thought I was being anxious for no reason and told me I should just relax and enjoy the pregnancy.

I felt so stupid for living life thinking I was pregnant when I actually hadn't been for weeks. I never want to ever have that feeling again, and I will always insist on early scan because of this fact. I know it won't change the outcome but walking around not knowing if the baby is alive or not is a terrible feeling.

It was that day we knew out baby was gone that took away the joy of pregnancy for me. I knew I could never get that back, and I'm still angry and sad about that, even 6 years later. It felt like everyone I knew was pregnant and everywhere i went all I saw was pregnant people and mums with babies.

I was only 25 years old at the time, so I felt very alone. None of my close friends had had a miscarriage that I knew of and at that age your supposedly "low risk". People said all the wrong things such as "the must have been something wrong with the baby, your lucky it was early on, these things are meant to be, your young, you can more, it obviously wasn't the right time".

I remember waking up after the D&C in recovery and I was crying. The nurse who was sitting next to me turned and patted my hand and said "don't cry you are so young, you will have lots more babies".
That just made me cry more - how dare she say that, she didn't know my history, how did she know what I would have more babies? She didn't know I already had 2 diagnosed fertility issues - endometriosis and polycystic ovarian syndrome. At that point, I was so incredibly scared that this baby that was now gone was maybe my only chance of being a mother. I really hope that nurse did some more training in how to respond to women in the same situation, as she needed to learn what was an appropriate thing to say to a grieving mother. 

I had a lot of very compassionate friends, family and work colleagues who let me grieve in my own way and time. I was very distraught and found it hard to talk about what had happened for quite 
awhile. Looking back, maybe it in some way prepared me for what would happen in years to come?

Having lost Ava at a much later gestation, I am so thankful that I got to meet and see and hold her for an amazing 24 hours after her birth. With an early miscarriage you don't have that opportunity. I have no idea if our baby was a boy or a girl. I don't know why that pregnancy ended. I have no idea what she/he looked like. Both M and I think she may have been a girl, and when our daughter E was born we gave her a middle name which was what I think we would have named our first girl.

Eventually I did move on and get over the pain of loss. On that babies EDD of 21st May I still think of her and what could have been, but then I wouldn't of had our E and I couldn't imagine life without her, being pregnant again months later definetly helped the healing process. I was pregnant again before her EDD rolled around and it gave me something positive to focus on (even though the pregnancy was incredibly difficult for its own reasons, but that's a a whole other post!) 

My grief feels entirely different this time round and I think that's due to the length of time carrying her, seeing her very often on ultrasound moving around and knowing her story even before she was born - due to being given such a poor prenatal diagnosis early on and giving birth and holding your child- dead or alive changes you.  However I can't really compare the two as I am sad for different reasons about  both pregnancies. 

If you have had a miscarriage please don't think I am dismissing it, I am not at all, when I had mine I felt like my world had ended, and it did change me as im sure it changed you whether in a small or big way. This is just a part of my story. 

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