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Friday, 3 April 2015

When people say nothing at all

I have tried really hard to "return to life" this past week. I have always been a bit of a go getter, and feel like I need to force myself to rip the bandaid off and get back into things, no matter how ready or not I am at the moment, but I only have 2 weeks left until I plan to return back to work and so I feel like I really need to do this.

I feel like I have coped pretty well so far - ok, I have been ACTING well. Those drama lessons as a kid have really paid off :) as an actor, it is important to make sure you are constantly observing what everyone else is doing - and that is exactly what I have been doing. I feel like I am not myself, almost as if I am looking at my life from the outside. 

My observations have shown me that people just don't know what to do or say. A lot of people have complely ignored what has happened, which is quite upsetting as I would never ignore a big life event, such as the birth of their "live" baby. Pretending not to have known or not acknowledging that I have just given birth to my daughter just a few short weeks ago does not make sense to me. I understand it is uncomfortable for people, but it's worse for the person who is desperate for you to say their child's name. I haven't just been missing from events because we have been away on holidays or have been too busy, I have been busy birthing my daughter, saying goodbye to my daughter, attending appointments and organising my daughters cremation. 

There are the people who talk to you and make small talk, the people who don't talk to you at all and there are the people who talk and ask about Ava, or even if they don't talk, they give you a hug or even a knowing look. 

Ava was here, not for very long, but she was here all the same and her life was and is just as important to me as my other two living children and people ask about and comment on them all the time. 

It may sound like I'm angry about it but I'm not. I'm just sad that people can't put themselves out of their comfort zone for a few minutes, and not worry about what they might say to upset me because nothing someone could say could hurt me anymore than how I am already hurting, and you might actually see my crack a smile. I don't just break down in tears when I talk about her (in fact quite the opposite at the moment- though that has happened and will probably happen again but only with my closest friends) I love talking about my children, my three children, my two daughters and son. 

I'm just writing this post so that if you ever have a friend or know someone who has a child who has
died, please acknoweldge them, please ask about them. I have lots to say about Ava and what she looked like, what her birth was like, what she felt like to hold and cuddle and lots more.

Thanks to those people who have asked, talked about, acknowledged or sent a message, a card or given me a hug xxx

March was a huge month for our family. 2015 will always be an important year for our family. 


  1. Thanks for sharing this post Erin. I think it certainly helps a lot of us who don't know how to respond and worry we will say the wrong thing so we say nothing at all. You have given us permission to ask not only you but others who experience similar things and I am so grateful for that. Too many times I've been in situations where I've said nothing....list for words. Now I know I can say..."Tell me about your beautiful baby Ava" or "What was the birth like?" Whilst these will obviously be difficult too talk about for everyone it's such a relief to know it's better to ask and say something than nothing at all.

  2. Thanks for your comment PrincessPedagogy, I really didn't know if I should post about it, but I know it's not just me. I'm part of a support group and it is something that everyone on that group talks about - that acknowledgment and wanting their child's name said.


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