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Monday, 13 April 2015

4 weeks today

I gave birth to Ava 4 weeks ago. Our daughter died 4 weeks ago on Monday 16th March . I really dislike Monday's now, I hope this will change as Monday's come around every single week. It just keeps getting further away since I held her. I guess I could also look at it that I'm 4 weeks closer to seeing her again in heaven.

I feel like I have returned to a semi normal life. I have been out with friends, I have taken my children to places, I even visited a good friend is hospital last night and held her new born baby. That baby would have been grown up and been good friends Ava as they would have been at the same school together. I thought I might cry when I saw her, I didnt, I held it together for hours actually. I made sure I had my cry before I even went in to meet her. It's amzing how tiny newborns are and how light they are. You totally forget, even though your babies were that size once. But then I have held even a smaller baby, a much lighter baby. They both had the same perfect features as I looked at her tiny nose and ears and feet, they were just born at very different gestations.

I still feel like I have a constant lump in my throat, I feel like there are still a lot of times I could cry at any second, but I also constantly surprise myself that I'm not crying all the time. Sometimes it feels unnatural that I haven't cried during the day out loud, although it feels like I have tears falling on the inside.

I return to work in 1 week. That feels weird, although I think it feel weirder going back in term 3 when I should have been starting maternity leave. I'm trying to psych myself up for it. I guess it will be a good distraction for me. It just feels like EVERYTHING has changed, like I'm coming back a different person.

4 weeks is way too long to not have my daughter with me.

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