Being weak not strong

I'm not strong.

I'm not brave.

I'm not amazing.

I'm not coping well.

I'm not back to normal. 

These are all things that have been said to me and other grieving people. They are all nice things to say and it's lovely to have people want to encourage you and I'm not saying I don't need the encouragement - I do! 

However, I'm not strong, I'm actually very weak and if you really knew me you would know just how weak I am. 

I'm not brave because brave is something you choose to do when you are facing something tough - I didn't choose this path, I just have to walk it. 

I'm far from amazing. Amazing people accomplish great things. 

I'm not coping well. I'm just very good at faking it, I'm a good actress, although somedays I think I'm coping as well as could be expected given the circumstances I'm in. 

I am not and will never be back to normal. I should still be pregnant and looking forward to going on maternity leave next term in anticipation of meeting my new baby daughter. My whole world has changed. If you are waiting for me to be who I used to be your going to be waiting your whole life. 

My daughter was given a bleak and poor prenatal diagnosis early in my pregnancy, and every week the odds got worse and worse, then she died. 

I really am ok with not being any of the above statements. What I'm not ok with is not holding Ava Grace in my arms again. 

Thankyou Jesus for carrying me when I can't walk myself! 

"When you saw one set of footprints it was then that I carried you" - Footprints in the sand