The eve of Ava's birth

It was at this time (the eve of Ava's birth) that we were arriving at the hospital as I was cramping and having fairly regular contractions. I was so scared, numb, in shock and already bone tired in grief as I knew the worst was to come...

There are so many triggers for bereaved parents in the lead up to their baby's first birthday in heaven. The last 6 weeks for us has meant every appointment and every ultrasound being on reply in our minds. 

The last week has been particularly difficult as it was this time a year ago that things got very serious and all we received bad news and we could literally see Ava's cystic hygroma growing rapidly every few days almost completely reaching right around her neck (by the time she was born the hygroma was completely around her neck). 

I cried a lot yesterday. I felt numb for most of today. I have no idea how I'll feel tomorrow, probably a mixture of every emotion a person can feel, similar to how I felt the moment I first held Ava. I remember vividly feeling such overwhelming happiness meeting my youngest daughter but such a deep physical pain of having my heart shattered into a million pieces. 

Tomorrow I will be going back to the hospital where she was born. I will be talking a large donation with me to give to the antenatal ward. The boxes contain tiny baby hats, gowns, dresses, booties, cardigans, sleeping bags, sleeping pouches, blankets and even a tiny onesie. I am so thankful to every volunteer who has been so generous with their time and money. They have shown me that Ava's life mattered and she has a legacy that will continue. 

Ava Grace 1st Birthday Fundraiser for Heartfelt

Ava Grace's 1st Birthday is fast approaching. She was born into heaven on March 16th 2015 at 11:58am on a Monday at Nepean Hospital.

We were fortunate and blessed that a Heartfelt volunteer photographer came to take photographic memories of Ava and our family for us just a few hours after she had passed. This is an organisation that I wish never had to exist, however am forever grateful that they do exist!

Our photographer was named Leanne and she truly was amazing. She was so compassionate and calm at a time when it would be very easy to be overwhelmed. She treated Ava as the little princess she was and showed such warmth towards us in our state of shock and sadness.

My memories of Ava will never fade because how do you ever forget someone who took a part of your heart? A tiny person who looked like her sister? Who had her Daddy's toes? Who had her brothers long fingers?
However, the photographs which were gifted to us by Heartfelt ensure that we don't forget each and every tiny detail, right down to her tiny fingernails.

Families around Australia have been blessed by this organisation many times over, consisting of wonderful volunteers who selflessly give their time, often travelling many kilometres to arrive at hospitals at unusual hours as they know just how important their job is.

We want them to know their worth, we want them to know that in those first, raw and painful days when you are left holding your deceased child, that they are truly a light in the darkness. By holding this fundraiser we hope the volunteers will accept our gratitude. We want other families to have this gift that can never be replaced.

Ava was born at 15.3 weeks gestation and many times I have had people dismiss our loss, try to minimise our pain and at times not acknowledge her life. Our photographs of Ava demonstrate that Ava was a life, that her life counts, that it does not matter how small her footprint was. She was born, and she died. She was and is and always will be our daughter. Ava was the same Ava at 7 weeks gestation, she was beautiful at 15 weeks gestation and she would have still been the same Ava had she been born at fullterm and lived, if not for her fatal prenatal diagnosis.

Please consider donating to this wonderful cause:
https://www.mycause.com.au/page/121006/ava-grace-johnson-1st-birthday-fundraiser-for-heartfelt

For more information please go to the Heartfelt website:
https://www.heartfelt.org.au/

Heartfelt Facebook page:
https://www.facebook.com/Heartfelt.Australia/

The photographs above are all part of our heartfelt photograph package.

The photo below is a photo my husband took in a moment where my heart was full but shattering into tiny pieces in the same moment. This is the day we said our goodbyes. 

One month till Ava's first birthday

This morning I woke up with a heavy heart. It is the 16th February which means one month until Ava's first birthday. 

At work today a good friend and colleague gave me a gift and a card today.

It came from one bereaved mother to another. A mother who has been walking this painful path for years now. 

What stood out to me was that she knows, she knows without me saying anything that just the countdown to any milestone is painful, that it's not just the "day" it's every day and the lead up to any and every event that has anything to do with our child who isn't here now. 

Thankyou dear friend, you knew exactly how my heart felt, I only wish it weren't from personal experience. 

Ectopic Pregnancy

I have attempted to write this a few times and then stopped myself. I don't know why, maybe it's because I don't want or need people's pity? I don't want people to give the well meaning comments that actually can really hurt if you haven't been through a loss. 

However I have decided to share with you something that has shaken me up this past week. 

Why have I decided to share? Because if I am all about breaking the silence and taboo of miscarriage, stillbirth and infant loss then I need to speak out. I need other women to know that a loss is a loss, no matter the gestation, no matter how it happened, no matter how long ago it happened. If I don't speak up, then the painful truth of what so many people experience will be kept hidden and those people will be left feeling alone and isolated which is what so often occurs when a pregnancy ends early in the pregnancy. 

I have had an ectopic pregnancy (tubal pregnancy).  We lost another baby because for some reason te embryo implanted in my right fallopian tube. This has not happened recently, most likely it happened before I fell pregnant with Ava (I have my suspicions of when it may have occurred). I now have only 1 functioning fallopian tube. There was  damage and I now have a complete blockage because of it and it was unable to be repaired during surgery i had last week. 

How do I feel about this news? I feel sad, and I have to say I was in shock when told. I was high as a kite on medication and in pain after the surgery when my surgeon first spoke to me  and at first I thought he had said that he was able to repair the tube, which when I went back to see him in my usual calm and collected state he explained everything in detail to me, even giving me pictures to show me if my insides! Apparently many women have ectopic pregnancies that they have never known about, but some are left with lasting consequences in terms of their fertility such as myself. Of course ectopic pregnancies can be incredibly dangerous and women even can lose their life if not diagnosed and managed properly. I am grateful that I came out unscathed about from a permanently blocked tube.

I'm sad that I have been pregnant 5 times but have only 2 children with me. I'm sad I never got too hold or meet 2 of my babies, and I'm devastated that I got a glimpse of Ava but didn't get to keep her.

To be honest I'm a bit angry with my body. Three times now I have had pregnancies that were never going to progress or end well and three times my body hasn't let me know. My miscarriage wa a missed miscarriage, meaning I had no symptoms that our baby stopped growing, resulting in a D&C at 10 weeks. The ectopic pregnancy I had no idea about it was only during other investigations that it was found. Ava's pregnancy started off well but I will never understand why her lymphatic and vascular systems failed to develop. 

I am very lucky to have my other wo children but the pregnancies with them were also not without drama, and terrifying ultrasounds, especially with Ella.  So before you say be grateful for what you have, I am grateful, very grateful as I cannot even imagine the pain of infertility that never ceases and leaves parents with empty arms. 

If you know someone who has experienced an ectopic pregnancy please don't minimise their loss, please don't say it wasn't a "real" baby as is so often heard in these cases. Please listen to when your friend is scared of losing their other fallopian tube to another ectopic pregnancy as the chance of having a natural conception now falls to 0%. 

Being diagnosed with an ectopic pregnancy retrospectively completely knocked me around. I am ok though and am glad it has been found because I like knowing what I am dealing with. 

What a reunion it will be seeing my 3 

babies, 2 of whom I have never met the day I enter heaven, my arms will be completely full! 

These flowers were given to me by my sister in law Belinda and twin Nicole. I have nothing to mark the news of this baby, not even a pregnancy test, so these flowers are it! 

One year ago we received bad news

I was wondering why I felt so out of sorts, anxious and emotional this evening and I can't sleep. Then it hit me, it was Wednesday the 4th of February at about 4:45 that we received bad news. Our ultrasound was at 12pm and I was 9 weeks and 5 days pregnant. We were both hoping that this would be the pregnancy that we could look forward to ultrasounds, a pregnancy where we weren't told of any concerns. We had seen Ava the size of a tiny bean at 6 weeks and 6 days at the fertility specialists office, but at this scan Ava had transformed into a cute little baby. I knew something wasn't right, I kept telling the sonographer that I could see a thickened unchallenged fold just like my first daughter Ella had. It was very obvious to myself and my husband considering all the scans that we had of Ella from years before. She kept saying it was all normal, and we wanted to believe her so I pushed those doubts to the back of my head, we were looking forward on telling the kids that night that they would be getting a sibling. But then the doctor called. Then I knew, I just knew. She introduced herself as I felt mused collapsing on the lounge,my blood running cold begging her to please don't tell me there's something wrong, please don't, we have been through this before. 

She told us that this baby was looking very much like my pregnancy with Ella. I was quick to say that Ella turned out fine after a lot of stress being told she wouldn't be and everything resolved. Ava's measurement wasn't that much higher than Ella's at this stage, so we had hope, a lot of hope but at the same time being so incredibly terrified, because I knew exactly what could come of the situation. She said she had already called my obstetrician and that I needed to see him as soon as possible, that I shouldn't wait for my scheduled appointment in a few weeks time. 

That phone call started it all. It was the beginning of the end. That phone call changed our family forever that night, we were given bad news, but there was much worse news to come. 

Now I know why I can't sleep, I want to go back to a year ago on the 3rd of February when we were blissfully unaware that our baby wasn't going to be coming home, before we knew she never had a chance. 

(The first sign that something wasn't right was the nuchal fluid behind Ava's neck - it is the dark area between her and the thin white line). 

The Booster Seat

The 4-8 year old booster seat. Ouch! That hurts! 

This morning I went to a car seat sale and grabbed a booster seat for a bargain. It fits a child 4-8 years old. I have a 6 and a soon to be 4 year old (although he's more the size of a 5 year old). He is big enough to move into a booster seat now, and most parents would be rejoicing they don't have to fumble around putting a harness now, it's just a simple seat belt across the child. 

So why do I feel a sense of sadness? My baby is growing up and is moving into a much more independent phase of his life. I should be happy right?  

We haven't used the stroller or highchair in a long time, he's in a big bed now and now I'm left withy unused baby things that were meant for Ava. Things she will never use and they are just constant reminders of what we have lost and how our lives have been set on a different path. 

For someone like me who is a bit of a control freak (ok a lot!) I am finding it difficult at the moment seeing all these reminders and wanting to get rid of every single baby thing in the house, and then my heart just shatters a bit more. 

Is our family complete with 2 on earth and Ava in heaven? Is this our family? Will the spare room ever become anymore than a spare room? Will the cot ever be set up again? Will the kids newborn clothes be put on a sibling? Or will they continue to be used as nothing more than Ella's doll clothes?  Will the baby car seats ever be in use again? Or is it time to give them away to a family who will get some use out of them? Did we really need to even buy a bigger car? A bigger house? 

Being proud of your babies growing up, getting bigger and finding their independence is part of life, a good part of life. However, being a bereaved parent means these milestones you get to experience with older children just stands as a reminder of what you will be missing out on with the one your missing. 

That 4-8 booster seat hurts...

The empty, unused car seat hurts even more...

I've never met a person without a name...

"I've never met a person without a name"

How true the above statement is. 

A few weeks ago I encountered a doctor who I felt disrespected my daughter and my family by refusing to acknowledge her  existence. I wrote about it in a previous post. 

Today I encountered another medical professional who although lovely and very knowledgable, was shocked to discover we had named our daughter. 

Naming Ava was the natural thing to do. You give birth and you name your baby. Some people choose their babies name before birth and some after, but no baby born is left nameless. 

Before we had even had Ava my obstetrician had asked if we had named her and we were able to tell him we had and what her name was. Throughout Ava's birth and afterwards all the hospital staff we dealt with from midwives to doctors to social workers and chaplains all asked what we named her and then referred to her by her name. 

The fact is Ava was Ava at 6 weeks, she was Ava at 15 weeks and she would have been Ava had she been born full term, the only difference was her size. 

"I've never met a person without a name"  Thankyou Courtney, this is exactly what I needed to hear tonight xxx