This morning I went to a car seat sale and grabbed a booster seat for a bargain. It fits a child 4-8 years old. I have a 6 and a soon to be 4 year old (although he's more the size of a 5 year old). He is big enough to move into a booster seat now, and most parents would be rejoicing they don't have to fumble around putting a harness now, it's just a simple seat belt across the child.
So why do I feel a sense of sadness? My baby is growing up and is moving into a much more independent phase of his life. I should be happy right?
We haven't used the stroller or highchair in a long time, he's in a big bed now and now I'm left withy unused baby things that were meant for Ava. Things she will never use and they are just constant reminders of what we have lost and how our lives have been set on a different path.
For someone like me who is a bit of a control freak (ok a lot!) I am finding it difficult at the moment seeing all these reminders and wanting to get rid of every single baby thing in the house, and then my heart just shatters a bit more.
Is our family complete with 2 on earth and Ava in heaven? Is this our family? Will the spare room ever become anymore than a spare room? Will the cot ever be set up again? Will the kids newborn clothes be put on a sibling? Or will they continue to be used as nothing more than Ella's doll clothes? Will the baby car seats ever be in use again? Or is it time to give them away to a family who will get some use out of them? Did we really need to even buy a bigger car? A bigger house?
Being proud of your babies growing up, getting bigger and finding their independence is part of life, a good part of life. However, being a bereaved parent means these milestones you get to experience with older children just stands as a reminder of what you will be missing out on with the one your missing.
That 4-8 booster seat hurts...
The empty, unused car seat hurts even more...