I was wondering why I felt so out of sorts, anxious and emotional this evening and I can't sleep. Then it hit me, it was Wednesday the 4th of February at about 4:45 that we received bad news. Our ultrasound was at 12pm and I was 9 weeks and 5 days pregnant. We were both hoping that this would be the pregnancy that we could look forward to ultrasounds, a pregnancy where we weren't told of any concerns. We had seen Ava the size of a tiny bean at 6 weeks and 6 days at the fertility specialists office, but at this scan Ava had transformed into a cute little baby. I knew something wasn't right, I kept telling the sonographer that I could see a thickened unchallenged fold just like my first daughter Ella had. It was very obvious to myself and my husband considering all the scans that we had of Ella from years before. She kept saying it was all normal, and we wanted to believe her so I pushed those doubts to the back of my head, we were looking forward on telling the kids that night that they would be getting a sibling. But then the doctor called. Then I knew, I just knew. She introduced herself as I felt mused collapsing on the lounge,my blood running cold begging her to please don't tell me there's something wrong, please don't, we have been through this before.
She told us that this baby was looking very much like my pregnancy with Ella. I was quick to say that Ella turned out fine after a lot of stress being told she wouldn't be and everything resolved. Ava's measurement wasn't that much higher than Ella's at this stage, so we had hope, a lot of hope but at the same time being so incredibly terrified, because I knew exactly what could come of the situation. She said she had already called my obstetrician and that I needed to see him as soon as possible, that I shouldn't wait for my scheduled appointment in a few weeks time.
That phone call started it all. It was the beginning of the end. That phone call changed our family forever that night, we were given bad news, but there was much worse news to come.
Now I know why I can't sleep, I want to go back to a year ago on the 3rd of February when we were blissfully unaware that our baby wasn't going to be coming home, before we knew she never had a chance.
(The first sign that something wasn't right was the nuchal fluid behind Ava's neck - it is the dark area between her and the thin white line).
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