However I have decided to share with you something that has shaken me up this past week.
Why have I decided to share? Because if I am all about breaking the silence and taboo of miscarriage, stillbirth and infant loss then I need to speak out. I need other women to know that a loss is a loss, no matter the gestation, no matter how it happened, no matter how long ago it happened. If I don't speak up, then the painful truth of what so many people experience will be kept hidden and those people will be left feeling alone and isolated which is what so often occurs when a pregnancy ends early in the pregnancy.
I have had an ectopic pregnancy (tubal pregnancy). We lost another baby because for some reason te embryo implanted in my right fallopian tube. This has not happened recently, most likely it happened before I fell pregnant with Ava (I have my suspicions of when it may have occurred). I now have only 1 functioning fallopian tube. There was damage and I now have a complete blockage because of it and it was unable to be repaired during surgery i had last week.
How do I feel about this news? I feel sad, and I have to say I was in shock when told. I was high as a kite on medication and in pain after the surgery when my surgeon first spoke to me and at first I thought he had said that he was able to repair the tube, which when I went back to see him in my usual calm and collected state he explained everything in detail to me, even giving me pictures to show me if my insides! Apparently many women have ectopic pregnancies that they have never known about, but some are left with lasting consequences in terms of their fertility such as myself. Of course ectopic pregnancies can be incredibly dangerous and women even can lose their life if not diagnosed and managed properly. I am grateful that I came out unscathed about from a permanently blocked tube.
I'm sad that I have been pregnant 5 times but have only 2 children with me. I'm sad I never got too hold or meet 2 of my babies, and I'm devastated that I got a glimpse of Ava but didn't get to keep her.
To be honest I'm a bit angry with my body. Three times now I have had pregnancies that were never going to progress or end well and three times my body hasn't let me know. My miscarriage wa a missed miscarriage, meaning I had no symptoms that our baby stopped growing, resulting in a D&C at 10 weeks. The ectopic pregnancy I had no idea about it was only during other investigations that it was found. Ava's pregnancy started off well but I will never understand why her lymphatic and vascular systems failed to develop.
I am very lucky to have my other wo children but the pregnancies with them were also not without drama, and terrifying ultrasounds, especially with Ella. So before you say be grateful for what you have, I am grateful, very grateful as I cannot even imagine the pain of infertility that never ceases and leaves parents with empty arms.
If you know someone who has experienced an ectopic pregnancy please don't minimise their loss, please don't say it wasn't a "real" baby as is so often heard in these cases. Please listen to when your friend is scared of losing their other fallopian tube to another ectopic pregnancy as the chance of having a natural conception now falls to 0%.
Being diagnosed with an ectopic pregnancy retrospectively completely knocked me around. I am ok though and am glad it has been found because I like knowing what I am dealing with.
What a reunion it will be seeing my 3
babies, 2 of whom I have never met the day I enter heaven, my arms will be completely full!