There are so many triggers for bereaved parents in the lead up to their baby's first birthday in heaven. The last 6 weeks for us has meant every appointment and every ultrasound being on reply in our minds.
The last week has been particularly difficult as it was this time a year ago that things got very serious and all we received bad news and we could literally see Ava's cystic hygroma growing rapidly every few days almost completely reaching right around her neck (by the time she was born the hygroma was completely around her neck).
I cried a lot yesterday. I felt numb for most of today. I have no idea how I'll feel tomorrow, probably a mixture of every emotion a person can feel, similar to how I felt the moment I first held Ava. I remember vividly feeling such overwhelming happiness meeting my youngest daughter but such a deep physical pain of having my heart shattered into a million pieces.
Tomorrow I will be going back to the hospital where she was born. I will be talking a large donation with me to give to the antenatal ward. The boxes contain tiny baby hats, gowns, dresses, booties, cardigans, sleeping bags, sleeping pouches, blankets and even a tiny onesie. I am so thankful to every volunteer who has been so generous with their time and money. They have shown me that Ava's life mattered and she has a legacy that will continue.