Countdown to Ava's due date

This Friday, the 14th August, it will be my 32nd Birthday. It also will mark when I should have been 37 weeks pregnant. But instead I am no longer pregnant and Ava has been gone almost 5 months.

Where has that time gone? It feels like yesterday that I found out I was finally pregnant!

These next few weeks will be hard. I always thought Ava would be an August baby as both of our other children were born the month before they were actually due, at 38+2 and 39 weeks.

So the fact that I should be 37 weeks pregnant, huge and at the stage of waddling, on maternity leave and nesting leaves me feeling like I just want to cry - all the time - yet I don't. I feel like I'm in a constant state of tears sitting behind my eyes, just waiting to spill over, yet they don't come every hour of every day like they did that first month she was gone. The lump that I used to feel in my throat has returned and I can feel my anxiety rising.

I don't know why Ava's due date is such a milestone that I am both looking forward to but also not looking forward too. In one way it will be a date I can put behind me, but then when the time does pass, there won't be any more milestones related to my pregnancy with her. There will be other milestones related to her but not related to my pregnancy. We will have our first Christmas coming up without her (which will have the reminder that I felt I got my Christmas wish when I first got a positive pregnancy test on Christmas) and then before I know it, her first birthday will be here.

It will be hard celebrating my birthday when I won't be anticipating my baby arriving any day. I have so much to be thankful for - so before you say it, yes I know I have plenty to celebrate, but until you have lost a child please don't tell me to be thankful for the two children I already have and move on from mourning our loss because I am sure you couldn't choose what child you could give back. I say this comment only because it is what I have had said to me most of all since losing Ava. So, when  you see me crying this month - or not crying because I've gotten very good at putting my mask on, just let me be. August is hard and it's just getting harder as the days roll over. Maybe I'll feel better in September? Probably not though. I'm doing the best I can... I miss my Ava Grace.