Shared from The Mariposa Trust (sayinggoodbye.org) with permission.
The statement above says it all...
This is definitely how I feel at the moment. I wonder if people can see through the facade?
I haven't cried very much in the past couple of months, but I have certainly made up for it the past few days. It really is true that when grief hits you, it really hits and their is nothing you can do about
Watching my daughters performance at school today, it hit me that in 6 years time Ava would have been in kindergarten doing her first performance. I'd be well into my maternity leave right now. I would be 39 weeks pregnant tomorrow and I probably would have been holding her in my arms right now.
People say to me to "stop thinking of the what if's" because she isn't here so these things couldn't happen anyway, but for a grieving mothers and fathers the "what if's are very real and present in our lives. It's something we need to process and work our way through. I know when Ava would have been starting school and it's not something a parent can forget for their living child, so it's definetly not something a bereaved parent will forget.
Just the thought of life moving on without her, changing all our plans for our family, seeing the empty spare room every time I walk down the hallway, seeing Ella dressing her dolls in her old baby clothes that had been brought out for Ava. Having cots, highchairs and strollers packed away not knowing if they will ever be used again in this house. There are no more babies in this house, my baby boy is now an independent little man at almost 3 and a half.
I always knew her due date would be a hard day. I just didn't realise the the lead up to it would be so painful.
So when people ask me how I am and I say I'm fine, I'm not because I simply can't describe the pain, and if I started to tell you how I really felt, how the pain really felt of not holding your baby ever again then I probably would never stop. There's nothing that anyone can even say that will make me feel better or take the pain away but thankyou for trying anyway.
The pain is raw.
The pain is deep.
The pain is real.
Those last three sentences. So much truth. We're almost at the one-year mark and have been hit by that hard hard wave all over again. The anticipation, the lead up, is very very hard for those important days. Thinking of you. <3
ReplyDeleteFirefly - one year is too long without our babies xxx I wish you didn't have to experience this pain.
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