One year ago we received bad news

I was wondering why I felt so out of sorts, anxious and emotional this evening and I can't sleep. Then it hit me, it was Wednesday the 4th of February at about 4:45 that we received bad news. Our ultrasound was at 12pm and I was 9 weeks and 5 days pregnant. We were both hoping that this would be the pregnancy that we could look forward to ultrasounds, a pregnancy where we weren't told of any concerns. We had seen Ava the size of a tiny bean at 6 weeks and 6 days at the fertility specialists office, but at this scan Ava had transformed into a cute little baby. I knew something wasn't right, I kept telling the sonographer that I could see a thickened unchallenged fold just like my first daughter Ella had. It was very obvious to myself and my husband considering all the scans that we had of Ella from years before. She kept saying it was all normal, and we wanted to believe her so I pushed those doubts to the back of my head, we were looking forward on telling the kids that night that they would be getting a sibling. But then the doctor called. Then I knew, I just knew. She introduced herself as I felt mused collapsing on the lounge,my blood running cold begging her to please don't tell me there's something wrong, please don't, we have been through this before. 

She told us that this baby was looking very much like my pregnancy with Ella. I was quick to say that Ella turned out fine after a lot of stress being told she wouldn't be and everything resolved. Ava's measurement wasn't that much higher than Ella's at this stage, so we had hope, a lot of hope but at the same time being so incredibly terrified, because I knew exactly what could come of the situation. She said she had already called my obstetrician and that I needed to see him as soon as possible, that I shouldn't wait for my scheduled appointment in a few weeks time. 

That phone call started it all. It was the beginning of the end. That phone call changed our family forever that night, we were given bad news, but there was much worse news to come. 

Now I know why I can't sleep, I want to go back to a year ago on the 3rd of February when we were blissfully unaware that our baby wasn't going to be coming home, before we knew she never had a chance. 

(The first sign that something wasn't right was the nuchal fluid behind Ava's neck - it is the dark area between her and the thin white line). 

The Booster Seat

The 4-8 year old booster seat. Ouch! That hurts! 

This morning I went to a car seat sale and grabbed a booster seat for a bargain. It fits a child 4-8 years old. I have a 6 and a soon to be 4 year old (although he's more the size of a 5 year old). He is big enough to move into a booster seat now, and most parents would be rejoicing they don't have to fumble around putting a harness now, it's just a simple seat belt across the child. 

So why do I feel a sense of sadness? My baby is growing up and is moving into a much more independent phase of his life. I should be happy right?  

We haven't used the stroller or highchair in a long time, he's in a big bed now and now I'm left withy unused baby things that were meant for Ava. Things she will never use and they are just constant reminders of what we have lost and how our lives have been set on a different path. 

For someone like me who is a bit of a control freak (ok a lot!) I am finding it difficult at the moment seeing all these reminders and wanting to get rid of every single baby thing in the house, and then my heart just shatters a bit more. 

Is our family complete with 2 on earth and Ava in heaven? Is this our family? Will the spare room ever become anymore than a spare room? Will the cot ever be set up again? Will the kids newborn clothes be put on a sibling? Or will they continue to be used as nothing more than Ella's doll clothes?  Will the baby car seats ever be in use again? Or is it time to give them away to a family who will get some use out of them? Did we really need to even buy a bigger car? A bigger house? 

Being proud of your babies growing up, getting bigger and finding their independence is part of life, a good part of life. However, being a bereaved parent means these milestones you get to experience with older children just stands as a reminder of what you will be missing out on with the one your missing. 

That 4-8 booster seat hurts...

The empty, unused car seat hurts even more...

I've never met a person without a name...

"I've never met a person without a name"

How true the above statement is. 

A few weeks ago I encountered a doctor who I felt disrespected my daughter and my family by refusing to acknowledge her  existence. I wrote about it in a previous post. 

Today I encountered another medical professional who although lovely and very knowledgable, was shocked to discover we had named our daughter. 

Naming Ava was the natural thing to do. You give birth and you name your baby. Some people choose their babies name before birth and some after, but no baby born is left nameless. 

Before we had even had Ava my obstetrician had asked if we had named her and we were able to tell him we had and what her name was. Throughout Ava's birth and afterwards all the hospital staff we dealt with from midwives to doctors to social workers and chaplains all asked what we named her and then referred to her by her name. 

The fact is Ava was Ava at 6 weeks, she was Ava at 15 weeks and she would have been Ava had she been born full term, the only difference was her size. 

"I've never met a person without a name"  Thankyou Courtney, this is exactly what I needed to hear tonight xxx

Really missing you xxx

I'm really missing you tonight baby girl, I just can't make the tears stop falling as I look at every single photograph we have of your sweet little body and study every feature. 

How can you not be here? how is it that you aren't sleeping in my arms? how do I live the rest of my life with a piece missing? how am I supposed to ever feel complete when you aren't here with your brother and sister? 

I hate that my family isn't whole and never will be until we are all reunited in heaven. 

I hate that this happened to us.

Such a selfish post but I guess you know by now I'm a pretty honest person and honestly it feels better out than held in. 

Recent pics of volunteer work

 

Thankyou to every volunteer who creates these tiny baby things. Thanks to everyone who has donated fabric and materials. Thanks to those who have helped package the items. Thanks to those who have given generously xxx it means so much xxx

Shopping for 3 kidlets

Sometimes I just have to shop for 3 kidlets not 2. 

Doctor conversation

Conversation with a doctor I was giving my medical history to today: 

Doc: how many pregnancies and births have you had? 

Me: 4 pregnancies, 1 missed miscarriage resulting in a D&C and 3 births, though one was early at 15.3 weeks. 

Doc: so you really only have two?

Me: No I have 3 children and 3 births, they were all born the same except my last one was a tiny baby and not alive. 

Doc: Ok, so two

Me: Her name was Ava, she had fingernails

Doc: Why did you name her?

Me: because she was born, that's what you do when you give birth to a baby

Doc: oh ok

Me: (in my head) she was born, she was just a tiny person, a small human being 😥

This is why I blog, this is why I talk about her, this is why I want to break the taboo of miscarriage, stillbirth and infant loss.