For ALL fathers

Ava Grace No Footprint Too Small

As most of you know not long after having Ava I wanted to do something to remember Ava by. I wanted to help parents have something tangible to hold when their most precious baby has been taken from them. I wanted Ava to leave a lasting impact on this world as she had such a large impact on my life.

I started #Avagracenofootprinttoosmall as a place where volunteers could come together to help me to create keepsakes for families who never get to take their baby home. 

Whether they cremate or bury their child in our creations or if they keep them in a memory box tucked away or display for the world to see, I wanted them to know that people care. That people know that these children had a life, however short it may have been, whether they took a breathe outside the womb or not. 

My volunteer list is small, but the creation of blankets and outfits that have been made, whether knitted, crochet or seen these last few months is amazing. Most of the volunteers I had never met and some I still haven't had the pleasure of meeting! Yet they believe in this cause. That means the world to me. 

Thankyou for joining me on this journey, Thankyou for using your gifts and talents to create something beautiful in the midst of deep sadness. Thankyou! 

https://www.facebook.com/groups/1692090737678771/

Ava's due date - 4th September

Ava's due date was set for Friday 4th September 2015. 

It wasn't to be. She was born on Monday 16th March. 

I wish I had something profound to write on this day, but I don't. However Ava's life has had a profound impact on myself, our family and now people all around the world. There have been over 66,000 views of this blog since March which demonstrates the impact she has made. 

Her name has been said, it has been remembered and it has been written. 

Every mother wants a photograph with their newborn baby. Here is mine. I am forever grateful for this picture of me and my girl. 

I love this song, it really encourages me and I can imagine what Ava is doing in Heaven, healthy and happy, not suffering and running around joyfully until I can see and hold her again. "I can only imagine" - Mercy Me. http://youtu.be/LonOTKVmkeo

We sent these balloons to heaven with the kids this afternoon. 

Love this thought...

My sister and brother in law Susan and Andrew and my nephew Luke gave this gift to us today. 

I love the thought of all the children in heaven painting the sunset at the end of each day. What a lovely quote, what a beautiful sunset, what a precious little girl Ava Grace was. 

http://carlymarieprojectheal.com/about/about-carlymarie-project-heal

BOH "Hope" video

I wanted to share this short video. It describes what Bears of Hope provide for families when they have lost their babies. 

The video is titled "Hope" and was made by the Bears of Hope organisation. 

https://vimeo.com/137310959

If you need support no matter how long ago your loss was, you can find out more about the services and support that BOH provide. 

www.bearsofhope.org.au 

Tiny baby hat and blanket donation to brighten my day

I was really struggling today at work. I was on the verge of tears for most of the day and I had already started my day in tears. On a break I discovered that someone had put some precious knitted hats and crochet blankets in my pigeon hole. No note of who they were made by, but I had my suspicions and went looking and found the beautiful lady who made these for me to donate in Ava's name. 

She wanted to be anonymous, but I wanted to thank her as I am so grateful to her for the time she has spent on these. It was nice to share how big Ava's head circumference was as most people just can't picture a baby so tiny, yet so perfectly formed. The second smallest hat in the picture would of fitted my Ava's tiny head. 

A grieving family is going to be able to put a hat on their baby and wrap them in a blanket and know that someone cares enough about them and their baby to give them a gift. I know it will mean the world to them. 

Thankyou so much to all the people who have volunteered and also supported Ava Grace - No footprint too small through donations of fabric, wool, materials, money and gift cards. 

Fertility Week 2015 - Our Story

While watching the news tonight I found out that this coming week (September 1st-7th 2015) is fertility week. They featured and interviewed the first baby born through IVF in 1980.

Why am I talking about fertility on this blog? Well infertility has also featured in our journey to becoming parents. Our story is nothing compared to so many woman (and men) who have and continue to battle their way through the heartbreak of infertility and what it brings. 

Our journey starts in 2007 when I was first diagnosed with a condition called ENDOMETRIOSIS. 

I had suffered from this painful condition since I was a teenager. Doctors would fob me off saying how common it was for women to have painful periods and that my cycles would sort themselves out in a few years. That didn't happen. I was in agony and now I have had children and gone through labour I can honestly say the pain that women with endometriosis go through is not unlike contractions women have when giving birth. I would be curled up in the foetal position screaming in pain for at least 1-3 days per month. Being the researcher I am, of course I self diagnosed myself (and my identical twin sister) early on with this condition. However doctors weren't so sure because why would they believe a 16 year old? Both my sister and I were given many different pain medications to try, none of which worked and most had terrible side effects which were at times worse than the pain itself. 

Finally at the age of 18 I got up the courage to demand a referral to a gynocologist. She listened to my story and immediately said it sounded like I had endometriosis. The relief at having someone acknowledge the pain I had been going through for years! She booked me in for a procedure called a 

laparoscopy which is done while you are under a general anaesthetic. When I woke up she said she 

couldn't find evidence of endometriosis, so I had something called dysmenorrhea - which basically means "painful periods" and gave me a script for strong pain killers. I remember being really disheartened as there had to be a reason why myself and my sister were crippled with pain each month. I mean, surely we couldn't just be two people who just had low pain thresholds? I knew that vomiting, fainting, back pain, IBS and contraction like pain wasn't normal!

Because my sister and I are identical she didn't have a laparoscopy performed by the same gynocologist because she said the chances were low that she would find it in her given we had similar symptoms. 

Years later, my sister, sick of still suffering, saw a different gynocologist and one that came highly recommended. He performed a laparoscopy and found it and removed it! I knew that there was no way that her symptoms could be due to endo and mine due to "nothing" so got myself an appointment 

with this fabulous gynocologist who would later become my obstetrician. During my laparoscopy he 

found endometriosis on the outside of my uterus on both sides, and removed it. 

The change was huge - both pain and symptom wise, and I can tell you it was very upsetting that it hadn't been found and dealt with years earlier. 

This brings me to November 2007. After the removal of endometriosis we were advised that if we wanted children that we should not put it off for long, even though I was only 24 at the time. Endometriosis is commonly associated with infertility as can cause blockages and damage. 

We waited a few months and proceeded to try to conceive (TTC). I always thought it would be endo that would create issues when conceiving but it wasn't to be the issue. I was quickly diagnosed with another and very common fertility problem - Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS). 

PCOS affects approximately 1 in 5 women. Some will have no trouble falling pregnant and others will have great difficulty. I am lucky that my gynocologist is very proactive, after 6 months of TTC 

and lots of tests it was clear I wasn't ovulating and when I was it was very irregular - not helpful when trying to have a baby! After lots of discussion we were told about the fertility drug "clomid", which would hopefully make my ovulate therefore giving me a much greater chance of conceiving! 

Before starting this drug I needed to have a bloodtest to see where I was in my cycle. To our  surprise we found out I was pregnant! We were overjoyed but that was short lived as I went on to suffer a missed miscarriage which resulted in a D&C at 10 weeks. 

Months later as my PCOS was in full swing I started my first cycle of clomid. We were very fortunate  that I fell the first cycle on it and 9 months later after a horrifically scary pregnancy that started off very similar to Ava's, Ella was born screaming! When we started TTC a sibling for Ella I told myself I wasn't going to stress myself out again, but it's hard when you have a 3 month cycle with no hope of conceiving and can see the months stretching out before you, where a fertile person will have at least 

12 cycles in a year, I was only having a couple and some of those were annovulatory anyway. I saw my gynocologist after about 5 months and started clomid and conceived on the 2nd cycle with a higher dosage. 9 months later with a much smoother pregnancy thought not without its scares, Oliver was born!

We knew (well I knew, my husband may have needed some more convincing) that our family wasn't complete. My PCOS was quite out of control for awhile making weight loss extremely difficult, but once I was put on the right pill it began falling off with exercise. It was also at this time that after having some tests done it was thought by doctors that I was possibly about to start early menopause - scary when your only in your 20's! My egg reserve was very low and hormones out of control. After more tests and talking to my specialist it was recommended that if there were to be any more babies now was the time we needed to try and make it happen, so try we did! Clomid was used month after month, dosages put higher and still no success, we  were referred on to a fertility specialist for more help, had needles added to the clomid  cycles  (pregnyl) and tried some more. We were on the last cycle that the fertility specialist would allow before taking a break for more invasive tests to be done when I fell pregnant with Ava - on a cycle that was looking extremely bleak with hormones not cooperating and a second lot of clomid added in later in the cycle. 

I remember feeling so glad that our journey with infertility was over now I was pregnant with our 3rd child. I wanted to put that all behind us. 

When you are staring down the barrel of two different conditions (endo and PCOS) both of which cause fertility issues and then also given the label of unexplained infertility later on, it can take  the joy out of making babies! We are incredibly fortunate to be able to access incredible specialists and the associated costs that come with fertility treatment. My fertility is just another part of our story, our journey to creating our very much wanted family which I even spoke about at our wedding 10 years ago in my vows. 

My heart goes out to women who are childless, and not through choice. The loss that they feel is huge and should not be underestimated. I won't even to pretend to understand their pain. My journey pales into insignificance when next to these courageous women and the decisions that they must make and face. 

I've had people say " why try so hard? You obviously weren't meant to have babies, just be thankful for the ones you have". 

1. Easy for them to say. 

2. They are so worth it.

This is the longest post I have ever written, and deeply personal. However, if it helps encourage someone else to continue to push for answers, or  ask for treatment then  it will be worth it. 

Ella Georgia was worth it. 

Oliver Noah was worth it.

Ava Grace was definitely worth it. 

 

I prayed for this child and the lord has granted me what I asked of him. 1 Samuel 1:27 (NIV)

#fertilityweek #breakingthesilence #endometriosis #pcos 

yourfertility.org.au