Sunday, 23 August 2015
Bears of Hope Ball 2015
It was made even more special because I won the competition they were running. We had accommodation provided at the lovely Quest Apartments (Homebush) and my hair and makeup done too! I booked the tickets for the ball back on March, today I looked up the exact date and it was only 9 days after Ava died. I must have known at the time that we would need something to look forward to in the next few months. I remember feeling such an overwhelming need to have Ava's life acknowledged and the BOH ball did an excellent job of this!
The room was of course full of bereaved parents, grandparents, aunties, uncles, friends and supporters. I have wondered what the mood would be like for months. Would it be full of a room of crying parents? Because let's face it, I'd understand if it were! Instead it felt like (and it was) a celebration of all the babies gone too soon. Of course there were tears, we all miss our babies terribly and wish we were celebrating their birthdays and watching them grow up, but overwhelmingly I saw alot of smiles of proud parents!
It was lovely putting faces to names and names to babies meeting people for the first time that I have only got to know online in my support groups. I kept thinking how amazing it is that I can remember the stories and pictures of so many precious babies now - the same babies who are in heaven playing with Ava Grace right now!
My brother and sister in law came to support us which was really lovely, and I also want to acknowledge their two losses before going on to have my gorgeous neice Harriet!
Bears of Hope do an incredible job of acknowledging the loss of our children through the many ways they provide support and the advocacy and education they do in breaking down the barriers and talking about miscarriage, stillbirth and neonatal loss.
One way our babies are acknowledged at the BOH ball is the candle lighting ceremony. On each table are candles and matches and we lit these rembering our babies. As we were doing this a presentation of our babies names were displayed on big screens. I was so taken and overwhelmed by my candle I was lighting for Ava that I missed seeing Ava's name because she was right at the start!
There is something powerful that happens when we see our babies names. It gives life to those that are not here now. It is a visual demonstration that our babies were here, even for just a short time, whether just in the womb of minutes in the arms of their parents. It acknowledges those parents who are left with empty arms and who don't get to hear the words mummy and daddy daily.
Thankyou Bears of Hope for creating such a lovely evening. I look forward to attending this event and seeing Ava's name up in lights again!
Saturday, 22 August 2015
Daffodil's blooming
Within a few days of Ava passing away some of my best friends in my mothers group came and brought me a box full of dinners in take away containers for my family - which was so lovely because I could barely string a sentence together, let alone think about what to cook for dinner and I definitely was not ready to go out into the world to go shopping! My church was also very supportive with providing meals too. I think all up we didn't need to cook for about 6-8 weeks!
It was at the same time that my friend gave the kids and us a packet of daffodil bulbs. She said if we planted them they would bloom around the time that Ava was originally due. She was right!
Yesterday as we left home to go to the Bears of Hope Ball Mat noticed that the first daffodil was about to bloom!
It felt very bittersweet, as Ava's due date approaches. She quite possibly would have already been born in the last few days as my daughter was born at 38+2 and my son at 39.
When we arrived home this morning , the first thing we noticed was the daffodil was in full bloom.
Was nice to see, and to know our girl is always with us, even though she feels so far away.
Wednesday, 19 August 2015
International Day of Hope - August 19th
"August 19th is about coming together as a whole community to openly speak about these children and celebrating their short lives" - Carly Marie
Sunday, 9 August 2015
Please don't ask me 'that' question
Last week I was caught off guard. The dreaded question was asked for the first time since losing Ava.
Person: "I've been told your pregnant, are you pregnant? Such exciting news"
Me: "no, I'm not pregnant"
Person: "are you sure?"
Me: "yes, I am sure"
I am not sure why I was asked if I was pregnant again, because I'm not. It's also not a question that someone should be asking anyone, let alone someone who knows what you have lost and how recently you have lost. If and when a person falls pregnant, it is up to them and their partner to decide when and who they tell that they are expecting a baby.
I guess I shouldn't be shocked, I mean I have had it asked before (thought it to be a bit rude) but brushed it off nevertheless. However, this can be such a triggering question. Think about the woman who is currently battling infertility. How would that question make that person feel? Think about how it makes a person feel who is currently going through a miscarriage, and the women who have lost their baby they birthed recently. You don't know how long it takes for families to receive autopsy results and genetic testing and counselling. You don't realise how long it can take some women to recover physically and emotionally from their babies birth.
People don't know other people's stories. They don't know how emotionally triggering that question can be. A year ago I could have shook the question off (albeit a bit distressed as I was already going through fertility treatment at that stage) but today, a few months on while I'm still deep in my grief - it cuts like a knife and it literally took my breathe away. I'm actually surprised I was able to answer. I'm very thankful I had a friend standing next to me who I know was ready to catch me if I fell.
So, next time you hear some gossip going around, please don't share it around. Please don't assume that a newly bereaved mother is going to be jumping for joy if and when she does fall pregnant again. Please don't ask her "if she's sure" and if you do, please apologise and walk away. The pain inflicted is huge. The pain is something you don't understand and if you did, you wouldn't be asking...
Person: "I've been told your pregnant, are you pregnant? Such exciting news"
Me: "no, I'm not pregnant"
Person: "are you sure?"
Me: "yes, I am sure"
I am not sure why I was asked if I was pregnant again, because I'm not. It's also not a question that someone should be asking anyone, let alone someone who knows what you have lost and how recently you have lost. If and when a person falls pregnant, it is up to them and their partner to decide when and who they tell that they are expecting a baby.
I guess I shouldn't be shocked, I mean I have had it asked before (thought it to be a bit rude) but brushed it off nevertheless. However, this can be such a triggering question. Think about the woman who is currently battling infertility. How would that question make that person feel? Think about how it makes a person feel who is currently going through a miscarriage, and the women who have lost their baby they birthed recently. You don't know how long it takes for families to receive autopsy results and genetic testing and counselling. You don't realise how long it can take some women to recover physically and emotionally from their babies birth.
People don't know other people's stories. They don't know how emotionally triggering that question can be. A year ago I could have shook the question off (albeit a bit distressed as I was already going through fertility treatment at that stage) but today, a few months on while I'm still deep in my grief - it cuts like a knife and it literally took my breathe away. I'm actually surprised I was able to answer. I'm very thankful I had a friend standing next to me who I know was ready to catch me if I fell.
So, next time you hear some gossip going around, please don't share it around. Please don't assume that a newly bereaved mother is going to be jumping for joy if and when she does fall pregnant again. Please don't ask her "if she's sure" and if you do, please apologise and walk away. The pain inflicted is huge. The pain is something you don't understand and if you did, you wouldn't be asking...
Countdown to Ava's due date
This Friday, the 14th August, it will be my 32nd Birthday. It also will mark when I should have been 37 weeks pregnant. But instead I am no longer pregnant and Ava has been gone almost 5 months.
Where has that time gone? It feels like yesterday that I found out I was finally pregnant!
These next few weeks will be hard. I always thought Ava would be an August baby as both of our other children were born the month before they were actually due, at 38+2 and 39 weeks.
So the fact that I should be 37 weeks pregnant, huge and at the stage of waddling, on maternity leave and nesting leaves me feeling like I just want to cry - all the time - yet I don't. I feel like I'm in a constant state of tears sitting behind my eyes, just waiting to spill over, yet they don't come every hour of every day like they did that first month she was gone. The lump that I used to feel in my throat has returned and I can feel my anxiety rising.
I don't know why Ava's due date is such a milestone that I am both looking forward to but also not looking forward too. In one way it will be a date I can put behind me, but then when the time does pass, there won't be any more milestones related to my pregnancy with her. There will be other milestones related to her but not related to my pregnancy. We will have our first Christmas coming up without her (which will have the reminder that I felt I got my Christmas wish when I first got a positive pregnancy test on Christmas) and then before I know it, her first birthday will be here.
It will be hard celebrating my birthday when I won't be anticipating my baby arriving any day. I have so much to be thankful for - so before you say it, yes I know I have plenty to celebrate, but until you have lost a child please don't tell me to be thankful for the two children I already have and move on from mourning our loss because I am sure you couldn't choose what child you could give back. I say this comment only because it is what I have had said to me most of all since losing Ava. So, when you see me crying this month - or not crying because I've gotten very good at putting my mask on, just let me be. August is hard and it's just getting harder as the days roll over. Maybe I'll feel better in September? Probably not though. I'm doing the best I can... I miss my Ava Grace.
Where has that time gone? It feels like yesterday that I found out I was finally pregnant!
These next few weeks will be hard. I always thought Ava would be an August baby as both of our other children were born the month before they were actually due, at 38+2 and 39 weeks.
So the fact that I should be 37 weeks pregnant, huge and at the stage of waddling, on maternity leave and nesting leaves me feeling like I just want to cry - all the time - yet I don't. I feel like I'm in a constant state of tears sitting behind my eyes, just waiting to spill over, yet they don't come every hour of every day like they did that first month she was gone. The lump that I used to feel in my throat has returned and I can feel my anxiety rising.
I don't know why Ava's due date is such a milestone that I am both looking forward to but also not looking forward too. In one way it will be a date I can put behind me, but then when the time does pass, there won't be any more milestones related to my pregnancy with her. There will be other milestones related to her but not related to my pregnancy. We will have our first Christmas coming up without her (which will have the reminder that I felt I got my Christmas wish when I first got a positive pregnancy test on Christmas) and then before I know it, her first birthday will be here.
It will be hard celebrating my birthday when I won't be anticipating my baby arriving any day. I have so much to be thankful for - so before you say it, yes I know I have plenty to celebrate, but until you have lost a child please don't tell me to be thankful for the two children I already have and move on from mourning our loss because I am sure you couldn't choose what child you could give back. I say this comment only because it is what I have had said to me most of all since losing Ava. So, when you see me crying this month - or not crying because I've gotten very good at putting my mask on, just let me be. August is hard and it's just getting harder as the days roll over. Maybe I'll feel better in September? Probably not though. I'm doing the best I can... I miss my Ava Grace.
Saturday, 8 August 2015
Ava's sunset name in the sand...
I ordered this photo a few months ago and have been eagerly awaiting it. I first heard about the work Carly Marie does years ago after a friends daughter passed away. What she does is amazing and has grown over the years. So many grieving families have been comforted by what she does through her creative heart. I love how she acknowledges these babies gone too soon.
Ava's sunset photo is unique and this is hers, the photographer takes 1 photograph for the baby who's name she writes in the sand. The beach it is taken at is in Perth Western Australia, so over the other side of he country from where we are from.
My plan is too print a large copy of this photo to hang in our home, for everyone to see our girls name.
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