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Sunday, 1 November 2015

That Empty Room

This room is our 4th bedroom. We moved to our new house knowing we would be expanding and completing our family. We moved in more than 2 years ago. This is what the room looks like today. When we first moved in this room was set up as a study/music room. When  we fell pregnant with Ava we didn't change things straight away but I thought by taking a step of faith when we were told she was sick and setting some things up that Ava would just have to be ok. 

I was so wrong, she was never going to be ok, she never was going to sleep in this room. 

I had always thought the gap would be similar between our first two children so that the cot wouldn't need putting away, the change table would still be needed etc. 

Instead we have this ugly looking 4th bedroom that is no longer a study - it's just a room that is a constant reminder that someone is missing. Sure it holds the fabric and donations for Ava Grace No Foorptint Too Small, it has some of the kids bulky toys thrown around, but it also has baby furniture that is getting dusty and the chest of drawers contain baby girls clothes, that my 6 year old daughter gets out and tries to fit into them and dresses her dolls with. I haven't  managed to open one drawer since we came home from hospital in March without Ava. 

I don't know what to do with the room. I don't know what to do with the cot, and I really can't bear to part with Ella's pretty baby clothes that I was so excited to be dressing Ava in considering she was due to be born only a month before Ella's birthday. 

I know it's just an empty room and it seems like such a waste not to do anything with it.

We could still be living in our little house and still be driving a small car and everyone would have fit. 

I know life doesn't always pan out the way we dreamed it too, and yes before you say it, I am grateful for the children and life I do have, but it's hard not to think of myself sitting next to the cot, patting a baby to sleep (because surely our 3rd child wouldn't be a refluxer and would sleep!) while reminding the older two kids to play quietly while she sleeps. 

What an awful,empty room that just stands still down the hallway with no purpose but to hold unused baby things. 


  1. Alice Kristovskis2 November 2015 at 14:36

    I think it's totally ok to leave this room as it is. In some way it can be kind of comforting to feel grief for Ava whenever you see this room. I found it strangely comforting to feel SOMETHING...and that deep, strong feeling connected me to my baby. Even after almost three years, I still have my hospital baby bag packed with clothes, nappies, a couple of dummies, etc. there is no rush. Time is a great healer and in time you will be ready to change this room around and it will feel right for you. In the meantime, miss her like crazy and keep her things in the drawers. I'm sorry that you have had this experience, yet I'm glad for you as you know the privilege of loving you daughter for her whole life and bringing her in and out of this world...a sad and difficult time, yet an incredible privilege. Much love to a proud mother of three darling children. Alice xxx

  2. Alice Kristovskis2 November 2015 at 15:50

    I also remember my grandfather leaving my grandmothers cardigan in the back of the chair after she died...right where she always put it. Every now and then he would give it a little pat. Just remembering. It didn't stay there forever, but it did stay there until he was ready to put it away. I think of Ava's room and Grace's nappy bag a bit like that:) xx

    1. Thanks Alice, appreciate your thoughts, and I am so sorry for your loss xx


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