Stuck in the middle

Two days ago I caught up with two work friends. They are both currently on maternity leave and have beautiful babies. It wasn't until the very end of a lovely catch up with them both that it hit me. I should be on maternity leave, I shouldn't be planning a catch up around my work schedule, I should be planning it around my babies sleep and feed routines.

 These friends have both been incredibly supportive, caring and sensitive with everything we went through both before and after losing Ava. But it hurt, I talked to them about it and they both said they were worried about hurting me and causing me pain. They had been thinking about it the whole time before we even caught up, whereas it didn't hit me until the end when we were walking out and they were pushing their prams. 

It's not the first time I have been surrounded by babies or stood there and heard exciting pregnancy and birth announcements, while I try and catch my breath, but what was different this time was that I suddenly found myself caught in the middle. I was caught in the middle between two babies who had birthdates both at similar times of when Ava was actually born earlier this year and also near Ava's original due date. I was looking at these super cute and gorgeous babies and felt stuck between thinking of what happened and what should of been but wasn't. 

I loved that we shared some of our birth stories and at least in that moment I had 3 stories to tell, I love that they said Ava's name, just as they did my other two children and didn't try to change the subject and look uncomfortable when I spoke of her. 

This is just something that us bereaved mummies and daddies have as part of our journey beyond our babies life and death. I can't change it, my friends can't change it, even though I know they wish they could. 

There was one baby very much missing from the Coffee Club last Wednesday. 

(My two good friends knew I was going to use this experience as a blog post, so thank you to them for being so understanding that blogging is part of my way of processing everything! Xxx for K and C and their babies)