The eve of Ava's birth

It was at this time (the eve of Ava's birth) that we were arriving at the hospital as I was cramping and having fairly regular contractions. I was so scared, numb, in shock and already bone tired in grief as I knew the worst was to come...

There are so many triggers for bereaved parents in the lead up to their baby's first birthday in heaven. The last 6 weeks for us has meant every appointment and every ultrasound being on reply in our minds. 

The last week has been particularly difficult as it was this time a year ago that things got very serious and all we received bad news and we could literally see Ava's cystic hygroma growing rapidly every few days almost completely reaching right around her neck (by the time she was born the hygroma was completely around her neck). 

I cried a lot yesterday. I felt numb for most of today. I have no idea how I'll feel tomorrow, probably a mixture of every emotion a person can feel, similar to how I felt the moment I first held Ava. I remember vividly feeling such overwhelming happiness meeting my youngest daughter but such a deep physical pain of having my heart shattered into a million pieces. 

Tomorrow I will be going back to the hospital where she was born. I will be talking a large donation with me to give to the antenatal ward. The boxes contain tiny baby hats, gowns, dresses, booties, cardigans, sleeping bags, sleeping pouches, blankets and even a tiny onesie. I am so thankful to every volunteer who has been so generous with their time and money. They have shown me that Ava's life mattered and she has a legacy that will continue. 

Ava Grace 1st Birthday Fundraiser for Heartfelt

Ava Grace's 1st Birthday is fast approaching. She was born into heaven on March 16th 2015 at 11:58am on a Monday at Nepean Hospital.

We were fortunate and blessed that a Heartfelt volunteer photographer came to take photographic memories of Ava and our family for us just a few hours after she had passed. This is an organisation that I wish never had to exist, however am forever grateful that they do exist!

Our photographer was named Leanne and she truly was amazing. She was so compassionate and calm at a time when it would be very easy to be overwhelmed. She treated Ava as the little princess she was and showed such warmth towards us in our state of shock and sadness.

My memories of Ava will never fade because how do you ever forget someone who took a part of your heart? A tiny person who looked like her sister? Who had her Daddy's toes? Who had her brothers long fingers?
However, the photographs which were gifted to us by Heartfelt ensure that we don't forget each and every tiny detail, right down to her tiny fingernails.

Families around Australia have been blessed by this organisation many times over, consisting of wonderful volunteers who selflessly give their time, often travelling many kilometres to arrive at hospitals at unusual hours as they know just how important their job is.

We want them to know their worth, we want them to know that in those first, raw and painful days when you are left holding your deceased child, that they are truly a light in the darkness. By holding this fundraiser we hope the volunteers will accept our gratitude. We want other families to have this gift that can never be replaced.

Ava was born at 15.3 weeks gestation and many times I have had people dismiss our loss, try to minimise our pain and at times not acknowledge her life. Our photographs of Ava demonstrate that Ava was a life, that her life counts, that it does not matter how small her footprint was. She was born, and she died. She was and is and always will be our daughter. Ava was the same Ava at 7 weeks gestation, she was beautiful at 15 weeks gestation and she would have still been the same Ava had she been born at fullterm and lived, if not for her fatal prenatal diagnosis.

Please consider donating to this wonderful cause:
https://www.mycause.com.au/page/121006/ava-grace-johnson-1st-birthday-fundraiser-for-heartfelt

For more information please go to the Heartfelt website:
https://www.heartfelt.org.au/

Heartfelt Facebook page:
https://www.facebook.com/Heartfelt.Australia/

The photographs above are all part of our heartfelt photograph package.

The photo below is a photo my husband took in a moment where my heart was full but shattering into tiny pieces in the same moment. This is the day we said our goodbyes.