Hospitals needing donated tiny baby things

I am wanting to collate a list of hospitals around Australia who do not have anyone donating tiny baby things to their hospital. If you had to give birth to your tiny stillborn baby and were given nothing to dress them in I would love to hear from you to see if we can change this for other grieving families. If you can contact me via the Ava Grace No Footprint too small Facebook page, by email or via message on my blog it would be very much appreciated. 

https://www.facebook.com/pages/Ava-Grace-no-footprint-too-small/456622537829000

ejohnson4811@gmail.com 

Only 15 weeks...

Some people don't acknowledge tiny babies. They say they weren't here long enough. They aren't a "real" baby. That somehow being not even halfway through a pregnancy makes them insignificant. Some people exhale when you say what gestation your child was born at - ahhhh, ok then, so only 15 weeks. Some people can't believe you aren't yet "over" your child's death. Many don't see it as a death. Some cringe and question you when you say you gave birth to a 15cm baby. Some try to keep the look of horror off their face when you tell them you held your baby, you dressed your baby and had your baby sleep beside you for 24 hours. Some try to tell you because you have other children that you should be grateful because you could be worse off with no children to hold.

Close your eyes for a moment and imagine your full term newborn in front of you. They are approximately 50cm and weigh 3.5kgs. They have 10 fingers and 10 toes. Their gender is obvious to you. They have tiny fingers and toe nails. They have perfect little lips and cute button ears. they have a gorgeous nose. They have eyes which are closed until they wake up and give a cry - you wonder what colour their eyes will be. Will they look like your husbands side of the family? Will they look like yourself? Will they be a miniature version of their brother or sister?

Now divide that weight by thirty, and you are close to what my micro prem weighed. Divide your babies length by three and you will be close to how long my petite baby was.

Now picture your full term baby who looks so small to you and everyone you meet, but picture them smaller, with skin that is best described as translucent and fragile. Of course it's not a normal situation, it's not normal a normal situation to be holding a baby that should still be growing and developing in your womb but instead are in your arms, incredibly premature.

However,

Our children were real, ARE real. For those who choose to ignore my daughter. For those who choose to pretend like she wasn't here. For those who refuse to call her by her name. For those of you who change the conversation, please don't. I don't put a screener up on what you say. For those who choose to minimise our loss, I am pleading with you to stop. I say this on behalf of all babies born too soon who went straight to heaven.

There was honestly no difference between holding my full-term live babies, then what there was holding my 15.3 weeker, except that she was fragile and light and not moving or crying. She looked like a tiny baby. Every part of her formed on the outside, although she had months more developing to do on the inside.

Ava Grace Johnson

105grams

15.5cm length

10cm head circumference 

Ava's riding Roxy dog

Ella: Mum do you know what God is telling me ? 

Me: What darling? 

Ella: He has told me that Ava is riding Roxy Dog! 

Roxy was Ella's grandparents Golden Retriever dog that died a year or two ago. 

Kids process things differently to adults, and she seemed genuinely happy telling me this. 

I dream of what Ava looks like healthy in heaven - I wish I had a child like faith still...

Later I found this written in Ava's photo album 

God please help Ava Grace to ride on Roxy Dog God xxx (used with Ella's permission) 

6 months

Ava died on the 16th March 2015. Today at 11:58am she has been gone 6 long months. 

Has the pain lessened? No, I am still in great emotional and physical pain but it isn't as raw as it was in the weeks and first few months that followed. 

Do I cry everyday? No, not anymore out loud. I have days where the tears don't stop but I also have many days where I am only crying on the inside. 

People comment on the fact that I can talk so openly about Ava without breaking down (sometimes I do!) I think that I have been able to talk and share her through this blog has helped me process all that has happened. I found it very difficult talking about her in the first month or two except to a select few. 

Am I angry? Yes, I have many moments of complete rage where I think how unfair it is that she had to be so sick. It gets me down that other people can have no problems falling pregnant and go on to have as many children as they wish, whenever they wish and then have perfect pregnancies and births. I am sad that I have not and will not get to experience the excitement most women feel when attending their ultrasounds. I'm not angry every day though - thank goodness because it's not a nice emotion to feel on a regular basis. 

Have I moved on? No, not at all but this doesn't mean I'm "stuck" in my grief. I am just simply grieving as I will for however many years I live for. You don't "get over" losing a child, you don't forget the tiny coffin you placed them in. 

Am I depressed? No, but I am anxious of the thought of never having another healthy baby I my arms. 

Am I happy? Yes, how can I not be with the life that I am living. I have two gorgeous kids who mean the world to us and I get to mother them and watch them grow up in such a fortunate country. I can be happy and still have a part of sadness as a broken heart does not heal completely. 

Have I changed? Yes, 100% yes! You cannot move through an experience of loss and not be changed. You can't help but be more cynical and at times negative and worried. I hope I have changed into a better person, a stronger person, a more compassionate person, a more generous person. 

6 months is a long time to not be holding your daughter. I miss her everyday, I miss 

having her little hand resting in mine. 

 

I remember being in such awe of how perfect her tiny toes were, all 10 of them! 

Painting the colours of the sunset...

3 kidlets hands

For ALL fathers