I wasn't supposed to be doing this..

- How did you think the year 2015 was going to end?

- What did you think your family would look like, all a little older towards the end of another year?

- Where would you be living? Working? Shopping? 

- Who did you think you would be spending time with?

- When did you think you would feel happiest?

These are all questions that I was thinking about the moment I found out at Christmas that we were adding another family member in 2015. To be honest, I had even been thinking about all of these questions and how it would end up before Ava was even conceived. 

Sitting at my desk today, preparing for another term at my work, I felt very out of sorts. 

This was not how my life was supposed to be at this point in the year. 

I wasn't supposed to be doing this. 

I should not still have my "teacher" hat on. I should be snuggling on the lounge, tired but so content that I am holding my daughter who was going to complete our family. 

The baby stage of our family was going to be at an end with the birth of our third child. I was looking forward to treasuring every last moment of our last child's babyhood. I was going to sell and give away all of our baby things as our baby grew bigger and didn't require them anymore. I was going to breastfeed for the last time, I was going to carry this baby in my peanut shell sling which my other babies hated. I was going to be THAT parent that pushed a pram into the school gates that the school mum's gushed over at afternoon pickup.

I was going to decorate our fourth and spare bedroom that was always meant for our third child. It was going to be painted pink and I would have hung curtains with cute owls on the windows. Our new, seven seater new car would have been put to good use - not for every seat to be filled, but for more space for our growing family. 

I was going to be wearing my favourite maternity jeans that I felt I didn't get enough use out of last pregnancy. 

I was going to enjoy being on maternity leave at the same time as my sister in law knowing that our babies were going to grow up best friends and cousins being only a few months apart. I was not supposed to be here. 

I would have been planning three presents to be given by Santa this year. The Christmas Santa photo would have been gorgeous with a baby who would be young enough not to be scared and a pre-schooler and kindergartener who would have been happy to be sitting on Santa's lap. 

I did not think we would have been at wet'n'wild these school holidays as a family. Maybe the older two would have gone with daddy for the day, but not me breastfeeding a newborn around the clock and not fitting back into my swimmers so soon. I envisioned my daughter having a "sleepover" with her tiny sister in her room that she so often talked about. I imagined my son giving every stuffed toy that he owned to the baby as he was now the big brother in the house.

This is not how it was supposed to have been, I was not supposed to be doing any of what I'm doing right now. 

I should not be dusting the corner shelf that holds my daughters things. I should be hanging up new photographs of her ever changing face. I should be feeling content - complete. 

This was not how our family should have looked like. This was not how 2015 should have ended.

Hospitals needing donated tiny baby things

I am wanting to collate a list of hospitals around Australia who do not have anyone donating tiny baby things to their hospital. If you had to give birth to your tiny stillborn baby and were given nothing to dress them in I would love to hear from you to see if we can change this for other grieving families. If you can contact me via the Ava Grace No Footprint too small Facebook page, by email or via message on my blog it would be very much appreciated. 

https://www.facebook.com/pages/Ava-Grace-no-footprint-too-small/456622537829000

ejohnson4811@gmail.com 

Only 15 weeks...

Some people don't acknowledge tiny babies. They say they weren't here long enough. They aren't a "real" baby. That somehow being not even halfway through a pregnancy makes them insignificant. Some people exhale when you say what gestation your child was born at - ahhhh, ok then, so only 15 weeks. Some people can't believe you aren't yet "over" your child's death. Many don't see it as a death. Some cringe and question you when you say you gave birth to a 15cm baby. Some try to keep the look of horror off their face when you tell them you held your baby, you dressed your baby and had your baby sleep beside you for 24 hours. Some try to tell you because you have other children that you should be grateful because you could be worse off with no children to hold.

Close your eyes for a moment and imagine your full term newborn in front of you. They are approximately 50cm and weigh 3.5kgs. They have 10 fingers and 10 toes. Their gender is obvious to you. They have tiny fingers and toe nails. They have perfect little lips and cute button ears. they have a gorgeous nose. They have eyes which are closed until they wake up and give a cry - you wonder what colour their eyes will be. Will they look like your husbands side of the family? Will they look like yourself? Will they be a miniature version of their brother or sister?

Now divide that weight by thirty, and you are close to what my micro prem weighed. Divide your babies length by three and you will be close to how long my petite baby was.

Now picture your full term baby who looks so small to you and everyone you meet, but picture them smaller, with skin that is best described as translucent and fragile. Of course it's not a normal situation, it's not normal a normal situation to be holding a baby that should still be growing and developing in your womb but instead are in your arms, incredibly premature.

However,

Our children were real, ARE real. For those who choose to ignore my daughter. For those who choose to pretend like she wasn't here. For those who refuse to call her by her name. For those of you who change the conversation, please don't. I don't put a screener up on what you say. For those who choose to minimise our loss, I am pleading with you to stop. I say this on behalf of all babies born too soon who went straight to heaven.

There was honestly no difference between holding my full-term live babies, then what there was holding my 15.3 weeker, except that she was fragile and light and not moving or crying. She looked like a tiny baby. Every part of her formed on the outside, although she had months more developing to do on the inside.

Ava Grace Johnson

105grams

15.5cm length

10cm head circumference 

Ava's riding Roxy dog

Ella: Mum do you know what God is telling me ? 

Me: What darling? 

Ella: He has told me that Ava is riding Roxy Dog! 

Roxy was Ella's grandparents Golden Retriever dog that died a year or two ago. 

Kids process things differently to adults, and she seemed genuinely happy telling me this. 

I dream of what Ava looks like healthy in heaven - I wish I had a child like faith still...

Later I found this written in Ava's photo album 

God please help Ava Grace to ride on Roxy Dog God xxx (used with Ella's permission) 

6 months

Ava died on the 16th March 2015. Today at 11:58am she has been gone 6 long months. 

Has the pain lessened? No, I am still in great emotional and physical pain but it isn't as raw as it was in the weeks and first few months that followed. 

Do I cry everyday? No, not anymore out loud. I have days where the tears don't stop but I also have many days where I am only crying on the inside. 

People comment on the fact that I can talk so openly about Ava without breaking down (sometimes I do!) I think that I have been able to talk and share her through this blog has helped me process all that has happened. I found it very difficult talking about her in the first month or two except to a select few. 

Am I angry? Yes, I have many moments of complete rage where I think how unfair it is that she had to be so sick. It gets me down that other people can have no problems falling pregnant and go on to have as many children as they wish, whenever they wish and then have perfect pregnancies and births. I am sad that I have not and will not get to experience the excitement most women feel when attending their ultrasounds. I'm not angry every day though - thank goodness because it's not a nice emotion to feel on a regular basis. 

Have I moved on? No, not at all but this doesn't mean I'm "stuck" in my grief. I am just simply grieving as I will for however many years I live for. You don't "get over" losing a child, you don't forget the tiny coffin you placed them in. 

Am I depressed? No, but I am anxious of the thought of never having another healthy baby I my arms. 

Am I happy? Yes, how can I not be with the life that I am living. I have two gorgeous kids who mean the world to us and I get to mother them and watch them grow up in such a fortunate country. I can be happy and still have a part of sadness as a broken heart does not heal completely. 

Have I changed? Yes, 100% yes! You cannot move through an experience of loss and not be changed. You can't help but be more cynical and at times negative and worried. I hope I have changed into a better person, a stronger person, a more compassionate person, a more generous person. 

6 months is a long time to not be holding your daughter. I miss her everyday, I miss 

having her little hand resting in mine. 

 

I remember being in such awe of how perfect her tiny toes were, all 10 of them! 

Painting the colours of the sunset...

3 kidlets hands