A New Year and Milestone

If Ava Grace were here today, I would be preparing her to start pre-k in just a few days. I wish I was ironing her uniform ready for her to wear on her first day this week.

She would of been in the three day class and I know she would of loved being at big school with her big brother and sister. They would of loved having her there too. If she was anything like Ella she would have fun playing dress ups and in the home corner. She would be quiet and inquisitive and just waiting for new opportunities and friends. I think she would of had brown hair like me but maybe she would of been blonde like Ella and Oliver at the same age. Oliver would hold her hand as we walk in to school. I would be holding back tears trying to put on a brave face that my baby was in her last year before formal schooling and marvelling at how quick the years go by.

I think one of the things I have learnt whilst on my grief journey the last five years is that I need to acknowledge my grief, let myself grieve and be honest with myself and let myself feel what I am feeling. Trying to “skip” over milestone dates never works for me as much as I have sometimes tried.

It was also the first week back at school that we were first given Ava’s preliminary diagnosis, the next 6 weeks were filled with fear, uncertainty, desperate hope, anguish and pain. This part of the year is draining for me as I process everything that has happened whilst setting up routine for the coming year.

If you see me with a smile, I may be smiling but I also may be hurting deep within never for a moment forgetting my Ava Grace.