154 weeks and 3 days

154 weeks and 3 days since we said hello and goodbye... it was March 2015 where Ava’s condition went downhill rapidly. We were having scans weekly, twice weekly and then then daily and every day the cystic hygroma was taking over more of her tiny body. 

I hate March it has so many painful memories that I want to forget... but then that would mean forgetting her... and I can’t. Those were the days she was still alive, barely, while her lungs filled with fluid and her organs started to show stress and her body distorted by her vascular and lymphatic systems failing. 

I have ultrasound videos of her, one of which was offered by the private ultrasound clinic when they knew she was dying but I can’t seem to make myself watch them. I know I really wanted them at the time. She was waving to us in one of them. I remember so vividly sitting in a specialists office begging them to give us some sort of hope. I remember going around in circles asking and being told the same thing. Hopelessness is a horrible place to be in when you are usually a very positive person. 

I wish I could of somehow protected my older kids from the pain of loss, of their baby sister. 

March is so excruciating for so many reasons.

I’m not sure why her third birthday is giving me the emotions I’m feeling st the moment, I guess it’s just part of grief. The fact that life is moving further away from when we held her. Wanting to go back but also running from the pain. 

I love her so deeply which means I miss her so deeply. I miss the feeling of her hand in mine. 

15 days until Ava Grace is 3.