Hi and thankyou for reading my blog. If you have found my blog because your baby has been diagnosed with a cystic hygroma/lymphatic malformation/vascular malformation or because your baby has passed away or if you are being faced with the biggest decision you will ever have to make I am so sorry to hear this.
I am two and a half years on from last holding Ava and I miss her just as much. Just because I am not blogging regularly, does not mean that I think of or miss Ava any less. The pain is still huge and some days I cant help but break down because I miss her so much and wish she was here running around as a toddler. My grief is not raw like it was 2 years ago but it is still deeply painful and has forever changed the person I was.
I have been on a break from my volunteer group Ava Grace No Footprint Too Small, however I have still been able to donate many boxes of sewn, knitted and crochet baby outfits and wraps to hospitals across Australia and also to individual families. The word is getting out about the quality of the baby things as I have had hospitals contact myself asking for more since I have originally sent out boxes to them.
I was able to attend the Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance service at Nepean Hospital last week. This was a lovely service which honours all our babies gone too soon and also is a time I can connect with other bereaved parents and friends and the wonderful staff who looked after us at Nepean.
I was attending both the Bears of Hope and Pregnancy after loss support groups earlier in the year prior to having our latest addition Jesse and I hope to get back to it soon. Those support groups are what has got me to where I am in my grief and I know I am in a much better place because of the wonderful support Bears of Hope provide.
I have made some very close friends with others who I have got to know through the support groups and I treasure the times we meet to laugh and talk about ALL our children.
Having Jesse come into our family has meant I have been asked lots of times how many children I have (as often Ella is at school and Oliver preschool) or I am questioned why there is a big age gap between Jesse and the older two. These questions used to cause me to freeze. I used to dread being asked questions about how many children I have because I didn't want to leave Ava out but I also hated the awkwardness that can happen when I answer and tell them I have four children but only three are here with me. I am much better at answering questions about my family now but it still puts a tiny dagger into my sensitive heart and I still cant bear when you see people relax after they ask at what gestation she was born as if it doesn't matter so much because she was so tiny.
Having a baby means I venture into the baby clothes section often. This also means I am surrounded by pretty girls clothes. I try and avoid looking at anything that would fit Ava as it hurts (physically and emotionally!) It is hard not to imagine what Ava would look like as Jesse looks so much like Ella and Oliver and I know Ava would of too. Ava would of been old enough to do dancing this year and she would of been in her first dance concert with her older brother and sister this year which is hard not to think about. So I have learnt that the milestones (or lack of) still keep coming even when our babies have been gone for years. She is always on my mind just as my living children are. Having a rainbow baby has been very healing for my broken and shattered heart, but at the same time it makes you wonder would Ava have done that, worn that, liked that....
I still feel incredibly grateful for the time we spent with Ava and the place she now holds within our family. My children talk about her often in the most natural of ways which is really lovely to see.
Thankyou for everyones support and for reading this long and somewhat disjointed blog post!
Sincerely,
Ava's Mummy xxx
