6 months

Ava died on the 16th March 2015. Today at 11:58am she has been gone 6 long months. 

Has the pain lessened? No, I am still in great emotional and physical pain but it isn't as raw as it was in the weeks and first few months that followed. 

Do I cry everyday? No, not anymore out loud. I have days where the tears don't stop but I also have many days where I am only crying on the inside. 

People comment on the fact that I can talk so openly about Ava without breaking down (sometimes I do!) I think that I have been able to talk and share her through this blog has helped me process all that has happened. I found it very difficult talking about her in the first month or two except to a select few. 

Am I angry? Yes, I have many moments of complete rage where I think how unfair it is that she had to be so sick. It gets me down that other people can have no problems falling pregnant and go on to have as many children as they wish, whenever they wish and then have perfect pregnancies and births. I am sad that I have not and will not get to experience the excitement most women feel when attending their ultrasounds. I'm not angry every day though - thank goodness because it's not a nice emotion to feel on a regular basis. 

Have I moved on? No, not at all but this doesn't mean I'm "stuck" in my grief. I am just simply grieving as I will for however many years I live for. You don't "get over" losing a child, you don't forget the tiny coffin you placed them in. 

Am I depressed? No, but I am anxious of the thought of never having another healthy baby I my arms. 

Am I happy? Yes, how can I not be with the life that I am living. I have two gorgeous kids who mean the world to us and I get to mother them and watch them grow up in such a fortunate country. I can be happy and still have a part of sadness as a broken heart does not heal completely. 

Have I changed? Yes, 100% yes! You cannot move through an experience of loss and not be changed. You can't help but be more cynical and at times negative and worried. I hope I have changed into a better person, a stronger person, a more compassionate person, a more generous person. 

6 months is a long time to not be holding your daughter. I miss her everyday, I miss 

having her little hand resting in mine. 

 

I remember being in such awe of how perfect her tiny toes were, all 10 of them!