The why three children question

I had quite a few people ask me before and after Ava was born a question. They asked me if our third child was planned and why would we have a third child when we already have a girl and a boy - a pigeon pair, and then the next line - why would you go through fertility treatment "again".

This has always baffled me when I have heard other people being told the same thing. It wouldn't have mattered if we already had 2 boys, or 2 girls or our boy and girl and if we hadn't had to fight so hard for all our children to be born.

Even though Ava wasn't with us long and everything didn't turn out how we had planned, I am still so happy we had her and that we got to hold and meet her.

So to anyone who says to me why did we have a third child? I say "because they are worth it".

Ava Grace Johnson was very much wanted and worth it.

2 weeks on...

Ava has been gone for two weeks now, and even though I'm not crying on the outside as much as I was last week, I am still crying on the inside everyday. She is the first thing I think of when I wake up and the last I think of when I go to sleep.

I feel like I have accomplished a lot this week while I move through my grief. We received and have displayed Ava's Recognition certificate which is hung between our other two children's photographs. I have had Ava's photos printed and we have hung six of them in our bedroom and put a couple more around the house. I have met with some friends and been able to share some of Ava's photographs with them, we had my sons 3rd birthday party and was helped by friends putting this on - I even made his cake, I have resumed doing my daughters weekly speech therapy, which involves therapy every day to try and get her stutter under control. I have attended my daughters parent teacher interview and was pleased that despite me feeling like a failure of a parent to my daughter in kindergarten, she is doing well at school. I have made my complaints to the crematorium (2 complaints now) and have also made a formal complaint to the hospital where Ava was taken to have her Autopsy. I have continued our fundraiser on behalf of Ava and currently have enough for 15.5 Bears and packages! Thankyou!

Grief is weird. I think for a lot of people it is completely consuming, and it definitely consumes me at the moment, but as most people who know me well, they know I can't just sit still doing nothing, I normally have a few balls thrown in the air at the same time. So forcing myself to be advocating for my daughter and trying to pick myself up everyday to get my daughter off to school and care for my son and also support my husband who is grieving (and also in pain after an accident with boiling water which has left him with a large burn on his arm) is good for me. Some people have commented that I seem much better, and physically I am much better.

However

A broken heart can't be seen or even heard through a stethoscope, but it is painful, the most painful wound I have ever had, it won't heal in time as "time does not heal all wounds" as the saying goes. I know this from prior life experiences. I know I will adapt, change and cope with my "new normal" but it's going to be a slow process.

March is almost over which makes me sad, as that is my daughters birth month. When it is March again it will be the time she would of turned 1 and we would of had a party for her.

Missing my baby every day xxx

Feeling so angry

I've been mostly feeling sad, a bit of anger, but mostly sad - but this afternoon I am incredibly angry. 

The crematorium have stuffed up - again! We went to pick up her ashes in the urn we had chosen last week, I was already mad at them earlier in the day as they couldn't find the record of us being there last week so we're already late in getting her ashes to us. When we arrived, we were told all her ashes didn't fir in the urn so they had put the "left overs" in a plastic box. We were told we could scatter the left overs somewhere or leave the other half at the crematorium in a memorial box. I just sat there stunned - my daughters ashes have been halved without my knowledge. I will not have half of my baby at home and half somewhere else. The woman who saw us had found and showed us a picture of another urn double the size of the other one but a different colour etc. in the end we agreed to return once they ordered us one and then I will have to take the urn and the left overs box back in (probably will have to leave her there overnight we were told)  and then they will put the ashes back together in the bigger urn. 

The thing that gets me is that Ava would have to be one of the smallest babies to be cremated, so why on earth do they make such tiny urns in then first place and why on earth would they sell us an urn that wouldn't fit her ashes, it wasn't like it was only a tiny bit, it was a lot of ashes in the other box. 

The incompetence of the place is really ridiculous, there are just hurting us even more. It's so unprofessional and such a disgrace to the industry. We have paid $1000 just to have the honour of having her cremated and put in an urn, I can't imagine how much they would have stuffed up her funeral if we had chosen to have one - for which we would have paid thousands more. They are a well known, big company - they need to change, as it is just not right. 

I can see another complaint to them coming, but this time to someone high up in the company. I still see myself as an advocate for my daughter, so will do what I need to do so this doesn't happen to someone else. 

Ava's certificate

Ava's certificate from Births, Deaths and Marriages arrived today. 

Ava's Angel Gown Wrap

Ava's angel gown wrap. So nice to have people donating their wedding dresses to the Angel Gown Organisation to be made with love into Angel gowns for families such as ours. 

The system needs to be changed

I have made 2 complaints this week as systems need to be changed so that other parents aren't left more devastated when they are already grieving. My first complaint was to the crematorium.

 I wanted to hold and cuddle Ava one last time so we had organised this at the last minute before she was cremated. I was devastated to see that she wasn't in her angel gown. Instead she had been dressed in a knitted dress (the dress was nice but had no meaning for us). I asked where her angel gown was which had been donated to us by the Angel Gown organisation as this is what she had been dressed in when we had left her at the hospital. After some phone calls it was discovered and we were told that her gown had been "disposed of" as it was contaminated. I was sad at the time but then later felt angry and incredibly betrayed, as we would never had known this if we hadn't chosen to see her again before she was cremated.

Parents need to be informed about this and im sure other mothers of an angel baby would tell you they would happily go and undress their angel baby and take what was "contaminated" themselves if given the option. When I posted about this on my support group FB page I heard from other mothers who had had the same thing happen and then other mothers are now left wondering what their baby was dressed in if they hadn't organised one last hold with their children. Of course the crematorium blamed the hospital where Ava was sent too for her autopsy to be done.


So today I made a complaint to that hospital where she was sent to from the hospital she was born at (which was wonderful). I said that they need to ensure that procedures and policies are looked at and changed. They should have put her Angel Gown aside so it wasn't "contaminated". I hate to think what they did to it to be contaminated in the first place.

These people need to realise that we don't have many memories and things that were given to our children are precious. If I had known that Ava wasn't to be cremated in her Angel Gown Wrap, then I wouldn't have sent her to have her autopsy dressed in it. I would have given it to the crematorium or funeral home to be dressed in after, or I would have kept it myself.

Angel Gowns heard of my story and are going to make me another one, but they understand it is not the same as Ava wasn't wearing it.
 Some of the most precious things I now own would be of no value to anyone in this world, but her
dress, her beanie, her nappy, her blankets are worth more than gold.

I hope changes are made, as some good needs to come from Ava's death.

Ava Grace - fundraiser for Bears of Hope

Ava Grace is going to make a difference in other families lives. Proud of our girl! 

Our fundraiser we set up in honour of Ava has currently raised over $1,400 due to the generosity of our family and friends.