The Booster Seat

The 4-8 year old booster seat. Ouch! That hurts! 

This morning I went to a car seat sale and grabbed a booster seat for a bargain. It fits a child 4-8 years old. I have a 6 and a soon to be 4 year old (although he's more the size of a 5 year old). He is big enough to move into a booster seat now, and most parents would be rejoicing they don't have to fumble around putting a harness now, it's just a simple seat belt across the child. 

So why do I feel a sense of sadness? My baby is growing up and is moving into a much more independent phase of his life. I should be happy right?  

We haven't used the stroller or highchair in a long time, he's in a big bed now and now I'm left withy unused baby things that were meant for Ava. Things she will never use and they are just constant reminders of what we have lost and how our lives have been set on a different path. 

For someone like me who is a bit of a control freak (ok a lot!) I am finding it difficult at the moment seeing all these reminders and wanting to get rid of every single baby thing in the house, and then my heart just shatters a bit more. 

Is our family complete with 2 on earth and Ava in heaven? Is this our family? Will the spare room ever become anymore than a spare room? Will the cot ever be set up again? Will the kids newborn clothes be put on a sibling? Or will they continue to be used as nothing more than Ella's doll clothes?  Will the baby car seats ever be in use again? Or is it time to give them away to a family who will get some use out of them? Did we really need to even buy a bigger car? A bigger house? 

Being proud of your babies growing up, getting bigger and finding their independence is part of life, a good part of life. However, being a bereaved parent means these milestones you get to experience with older children just stands as a reminder of what you will be missing out on with the one your missing. 

That 4-8 booster seat hurts...

The empty, unused car seat hurts even more...

I've never met a person without a name...

"I've never met a person without a name"

How true the above statement is. 

A few weeks ago I encountered a doctor who I felt disrespected my daughter and my family by refusing to acknowledge her  existence. I wrote about it in a previous post. 

Today I encountered another medical professional who although lovely and very knowledgable, was shocked to discover we had named our daughter. 

Naming Ava was the natural thing to do. You give birth and you name your baby. Some people choose their babies name before birth and some after, but no baby born is left nameless. 

Before we had even had Ava my obstetrician had asked if we had named her and we were able to tell him we had and what her name was. Throughout Ava's birth and afterwards all the hospital staff we dealt with from midwives to doctors to social workers and chaplains all asked what we named her and then referred to her by her name. 

The fact is Ava was Ava at 6 weeks, she was Ava at 15 weeks and she would have been Ava had she been born full term, the only difference was her size. 

"I've never met a person without a name"  Thankyou Courtney, this is exactly what I needed to hear tonight xxx

Really missing you xxx

I'm really missing you tonight baby girl, I just can't make the tears stop falling as I look at every single photograph we have of your sweet little body and study every feature. 

How can you not be here? how is it that you aren't sleeping in my arms? how do I live the rest of my life with a piece missing? how am I supposed to ever feel complete when you aren't here with your brother and sister? 

I hate that my family isn't whole and never will be until we are all reunited in heaven. 

I hate that this happened to us.

Such a selfish post but I guess you know by now I'm a pretty honest person and honestly it feels better out than held in. 

Recent pics of volunteer work

 

Thankyou to every volunteer who creates these tiny baby things. Thanks to everyone who has donated fabric and materials. Thanks to those who have helped package the items. Thanks to those who have given generously xxx it means so much xxx

Shopping for 3 kidlets

Sometimes I just have to shop for 3 kidlets not 2. 

Doctor conversation

Conversation with a doctor I was giving my medical history to today: 

Doc: how many pregnancies and births have you had? 

Me: 4 pregnancies, 1 missed miscarriage resulting in a D&C and 3 births, though one was early at 15.3 weeks. 

Doc: so you really only have two?

Me: No I have 3 children and 3 births, they were all born the same except my last one was a tiny baby and not alive. 

Doc: Ok, so two

Me: Her name was Ava, she had fingernails

Doc: Why did you name her?

Me: because she was born, that's what you do when you give birth to a baby

Doc: oh ok

Me: (in my head) she was born, she was just a tiny person, a small human being 😥

This is why I blog, this is why I talk about her, this is why I want to break the taboo of miscarriage, stillbirth and infant loss.

Christmas 2015

Christmas - it's one of those milestone events that bereaved parents count down to knowing it will be a hard day, while others don't give it second thought as they get caught up in the season.

Anyone, whether they have lost a baby, child, father, mother, grandparent, relative or close friend is going to feel the absence of their loved one, especially that first Christmas. Of course it cannot be the same as how it used to be or how you envisioned it to be.

Christmas 2015 was very different to a year ago. A year ago I was literally 4 weeks pregnant and had just found out we were having another baby a few days before Christmas Day. That's when we told out families. I cooked the Christmas ham and ate no seafood, but I was gloriously happy knowing it would all be worth it when we had a healthy baby born in 2015. A year ago Ava was alive, tiny but very much alive and growing. In fact at this point she was as healthy as any 4 week gestation baby would be, as the lymphatic system doesn't develop (or fail to develop properly until the 6-7th week of pregnancy).

This Christmas, we were hanging our three children's personalised baubles and decorations that people had given us on our tree. This Christmas, I was also decorating my daughters shelf where her special things and my most precious possessions lie. I set up a little Christmas tree and hung a few decorations, a tiny stocking, a Santa hat and babies first Christmas angel. I know some people think that I am so weird/morbid for doing this, well, some people think it's weird that I even have a shelf that I keep my daughters urn and special things in the middle of my living room but that's a whole other blog post! The thing is you can think you would behave one way if you were in the same circumstances but you really have no idea at all. I see my friends decorating their precious babies graves and urns and gardens and think how lovely and heartbreaking it is at the same time. This is all we have, this is all we can do for our babies at times like these.

It was nice to receive messages from friends and family wishing us a Merry Christmas and also mentioning Ava either in the message to our whole family or acknowledging that Christmas must be hard for us.

In the end Ava's absence was very much noted. We had a great day spending time with both sides of our family and extended families, but she was very much missed by her Daddy, her brother and sister and I. It was very apparent that the should have been a four month old with us being dressed up in a cute Christmas outfit, being fed at church, screaming in the car, being passed around for cuddles among family, having Christmas photos with her cousins and grandparents as you only ever get one "First Christmas", sleeping in the bassinets do having her siblings fight over who was opening her presents!

Joy and sadness can truly co-exist and I have found this time and time again this year. 

As a Christian I am so thankful that God sent his son Jesus to earth to be born 2000 years ago and later to die on the cross for us. Because of his sacrifice I now know that I will get to spend eternity
with him and a perfectly healed Ava. There is much I am thankful for this Christmas, but in this messed up world I still miss our daughter terribly.

John 3:16: For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.