The "how many children do you have" question

Today I took my son to get a haircut. The hairdresser and I were chatting about kids and then she asked me "how many kids do you have?" I felt like time stood still and then I said "2" and immediately felt guilty while she continued chatting away. 

I knew this question would come and I was so prepared to say "I have 3 children, 2 here and 1 in heaven" but I got so scared. I didn't want the pity look, I didn't want the awkward silence OR the awkward questions. 

I have felt like a terrible mum all day and can't stop myself from going over the conversation over and over again in my head. I do have 3 children and I really seek to acknowledge Ava everyday, which is easy with people I know and am comfortable with, but with a stranger it just hit me hard. 

I have no idea how I'll respond next time. 

Having your baby die is hard. Having to live without them while life continues is even harder.

A 4cm Angel Baby Nappy

Hooray! I finally made a nappy that I would be happy to give away tonight! It is 4cm which is just a bit smaller than the nappies we were given for Ava. I really like the material I chose - very fitting for a little princess. Now to make another one that is exactly the same size. 

When donating them I want to give them in packs of 2 - one to dress their baby in and one to keep forever to remember them. That's what I loved most when we were given Ava's nappies in the hospital. 

At the time of giving birth to a baby that has died it is very difficult to think straight and think about what will be important in the future - so to be given a pack of 2 identical tiny nappies and told by the midwife that one was for Ava to wear and one to keep was so special. Of course tiny babies don't need to wear a nappy but for the parents they most certainly do. It shows that they were here and it is important to show them dignity and respect for the life that they were! 

Some of my favourite photos of our Ava Grace are her naked just wearing her tiny nappy and her beanie. Her little body was so perfect and she looked at peace. 

First Tiny Angel parcel to be donated

I have been practicing sewing all weekend, after throwing out a lot of my first attempts, I am finally happy with the results I'm getting at making tiny baby blankets. Tiny baby nappies are going to take a lot more practice though! 

A friend contacted me and asked if she was able to get a blanket for someone she knows who needs an angel blanket. 

It makes me sad to think that as quickly as I started to sew, another family needed a blanket. Too many babies die, just heartbreaking. 

My husband made some cards and stickers that have Ava's footprints and story and we packaged up 2 blankets, one for them to keep and one for their baby. 

 

The other blankets I have made will be given to the hospital I gave birth at. I know how precious the blankets and things we were to us. 

This is a pic of today's blankets and a few nappies. 

Talking about Ava Grace daily

Our daughters name Ava Grace has been said every single day for almost 6 weeks. I love saying her name, I love writing her name and I love hearing her name. Talking to other women who have had their children die makes me sad when I hear that they have been told to stop talking about their babies    , and for some of them their babies haven't been gone very long at all. It seems very natural for me to talk about Ava daily. I would be devastated if someone told me to stop talking about her just because she isn't here anymore. Luckily I have very supportive friends and family who also like to talk about Ava. I intend to talk about Ava and say her name every day for the rest of my life, which I don't think will be hard considering that I talk about and say my other two living children's names daily so why would I not do the same with my youngest daughter Ava.

You might think that there surely can't be too much for me to talk about when it comes to a baby who wasn't here very long, and I probably do repeat myself a lot, but you would be surprised at the memories you can make in a short space of time when it is so important to you. Today for instance I shared with 2 different people the story of how we came up with Ava's name. I can remember the entire conversation that my husband and I had when choosing Ava's name. 

I love that my husband and I are both on the same page when it comes to sharing Ava too, he mentions her all the time and my children talk about her more and more. 

I worry some people might think I've become quite morbid because I talk of my dead baby so often but those people have clearly never held their dead baby so until they do (and I hope they never do) they have no idea and their opinion means very little to me. 

I can't and will not pretend that Ava wasn't here, when I read stroies of women who years ago never getting even a glimpse of their son or daughter it breaks my heart. Our time with Ava (almost 24 hours) was so precious and she left such an imprint on hour hearts. That's why I will say her name every day of my life. 

AVA GRACE          ~        AVA GRACE         ~           AVA GRACE           ~           AVA GRACE

Being in a sad place, not a dark place

I was talking to a friend today about how I'm finding my way through my grief over Ava so thought I would share it. I commented that I am so grateful to have 2 living children with me, because without them I could very easily still be under the covers, hiding in my bed, and not having gone anywhere the last 5 weeks including not talking to anyone. 

When I read and hear of the experiences of women who have had their 1st and only child die, my heart just breaks a little bit more. When I had my miscarriage before having my first daughter Ella, I had the added grief of wondering if I ever would be a mother, I felt like a bit of a mother for carrying a child even for only a short while, but I had nothing to show for that time except empty arms. If it was Ava that died  before having my children I know I would be in a completly different place. 

Having 2 children who really needed me, forced me to get out of bed, get dressed and go about life as well as I could. I didn't want to go to playgroup with my son, I didn't want to take my daughter to school, I didn't want to go to church and I didn't want to go and do the grocery shopping. However, my son needed to see his friends and interact with other kids, my daughter has to go to school, I myself needed to go to church and we needed food to eat so I had to go shopping. In the early days my sister was staying with us so we were lucky she did a lot of the running around with the kids, made important phone calls, shopped, cooked etc, and when she went home my husband totally stepped up and did all of this. But I'm the mum and my kids needed me to be present, so I have done the best I could and done all of the usual "mum" things. 

So I do think having kids has saved me from spiralling into a really dark place, instead of just a really sad place.

The hard thing about being right in the middle of your grief when you have other children to care for is that sometimes I feel like I can't fully grieve like I want to in peace. Sometimes I really, really want to scream, like a gut wrenching massive scream that the whole universe can hear. And a lot of the time I just want to cry and let the tears fall whenever and wherever as often as I like. I can't do this because I don't want my kids to be traumatised, they have already been through so much. 

I wonder if anyone else feels like me? I know that everyone grieves differently, everyone feels loss differently so I can only speak for myself.

A beautiful doll and my first day back at work

This March ballerina doll is beautiful and such a perfect gift for a little girl! My friend Nicole gave it to me today when I went back to work. It will sit with all of Ava's special things that are displayed. 

It was a hard day and I'm glad it's over as all the "firsts" are hard for me. Lots of support and hugs with my friends and I even got to share some of my pictures of Ava with a few too. I love telling Ava's story and just how perfect she was at such an early gestation. My friends were surprised that even such a tiny baby could have everything perfectly formed, right down to her fingernails. 

One thing that has surprised me about grief is how exhausting it is. I really enjoyed the professional development today as it was on a topic I am really interested in but I am so tired. I think maybe it is because my head is so full of other thoughts and memories that I am trying to process at the moment which makes it hard to concentrate and tires me easily. Regardless it was good to be back in such a familiar place doing what I do best! 

Back to work, back to life

I start back at work tomorrow, it's been 5 weeks since meeting and saying goodbye to Ava and 6 weeks since I have been at work. I am

looking forward to going back to work, getting back in our family routine, but it's just another reminder that life moves on despite of how we are feeling or where we are at. At some point I had to go back to work, and so did my husband. While I'm still deep in my grief it feels like I'm looking at the world moving but I'm still "stuck" in my place where I was 5 weeks ago holding Ava Grace. 

I know I can do this, I have so much support from my colleagues, I just have to take that step forward and move forward, although I know I will never move on or get over that moment at 11:58am 5 weeks ago. 

Missing my Ava Grace.