The grief of infertility on top of babyloss

Losing a baby can be soul destroying. Dealing and living with infertility on top of grief over the death of a very much wanted baby is something hard to describe. It is incredibly painful.

Bereaved parents don't set out to replace their baby that has died. They are well aware that no one could ever take the place of their loved one. However you are left with a burning hole that feels like it will never be filled and the truth is there will always be that hole, but perhaps that hole can be a little bit healed by the arrival of a sibling and not end on such a sad note. It was never the way it was supposed to be and I think our family will always be incomplete as Ava's absence is evident daily, but to bring some sort of completion to our family with the arrival of a healthy baby will hopefully bring some healing to all of us.

I have shared a bit on our infertility journey in previous posts, going through 17 rounds of assisted conception, 1 IVF cycle and 1 FET cycle over the past 9 years to complete our family. Without modern technology and medications it is highly likely that our family would consist of my husband and I and no children. I know to the outside world people probably assume we have had little problems forming our family where in actual fact we have had to fight for every single one of our children. The only naturally occuring pregnancy ended quickly with my first miscarriage in 2008 and that was just before starting fertility treatment. I also realise our journey has been much faster than many couples going through the maze of infertility and I am also blessed that I have always had very proactive doctors who were willing to treat me quickly with surgeries and medications and also try new treatments. I cannot even begin to imagine the pain of the loss of a dream to form a family with children and it must come at a great loss to these families, so I do want to acknowledge the absolute blessings we have been blessed with when some families were desperate to just hold one baby.

We are never guaranteed anything in this life and many times I have wondered when do you say "enough is enough" and move on and sell all the baby things. I have been told by many people that maybe I should of taken losing Ava and then subsequent infertility as a sign that we shouldn't have anymore children - which is a very hurtful statement. If that were the case many, many families would never have children or make use of modern technology to assist in creating their families.

Was it worth going through all the tests, surgeries, pain, invasive ultrasounds and bloodtests where I now have blown veins from having blood taken so frequently over years that I now have permanent scarring on my arms? Was it worth the breakdowns just thinking about sticking needles into myself and swallowing pills that would turn me into a hormonal mess? Was it worth the disappointments that came month after month after month? Was it worth the money that felt like it was being tipped down a drain and being gambled month after month?

Yes. I had hope. I had more hope than fear that our family may be completed, maybe not the way that I had imagined, but I had HOPE.

Ella Georgia was worth it.
Oliver Noah was worth it.
Ava Grace was worth it.

This baby boy is already worth it.

                                                                WORTH EVERY TEAR
                                                               

It's been awhile since I have blogged...

It's been awhile since I have blogged and I have some news. Our family is expecting a little boy to join our family in May of this year. It has been a long, hard, and at times a completely torturous road but I know it will be worth it when I am holding our baby in my arms in a few months time!

 This was our announcement picture we used, of course I included Ava, how could I not? She is very much a part of our family.

20 week bump pic

I will be sharing some more of our journey of  our "Rainbow Baby Pregnancy" (a term commonly used and identified with in the babyloss comunity) in coming blog posts.

Ava Grace making an impact in our local community

Today a bit about our Ava was shared in our local paper, The Penrith Press. Tomorrow I will be sharing Ava Grace's story and legacy at Nepean Hospitals Pregnancy Loss Remembrance Service.
http://newslocal.newspaperdirect.com/epaper/iphone/homepage.aspx#_articleb53569b1-f5b4-4e6c-97d0-9669f9aa973b

https://www.facebook.com/permalink.php?story_fbid=674156152742303&id=456622537829000

Sharing about Ava, breaking the silence around miscarriage, stillbirth and infant loss are all things that come naturally to me now after living with this grief the past 19 months. However, it is also still incredibly painful. I hope I can keep it together tomorrow for both my talk and when my husband and  I share a song that is very meaningful to me.

I am grateful to all my family and friends who have and continue to support me and our family and also to the wonderful, generous volunteers who continue to help Ava leave her legacy through Ava Grace No Footprint Too Small.

#breakthesilence
#saytheirnames
#miscarriagestillbirthinfantlossgeneticinduction
#avagracehttp://www.dailytelegraph.com.au/newslocal/penrith-press/ceremony-to-remember-our-lost-babies/news-story/325cb0b494a0b6d92e8c0e6cce565aaa

Infertility after loss

Infertility after loss - what sad, depressing words. Yet for many bereaved parents this is another painful part of their journey. 

Why can some people seem to fall pregnant in an instant? How do people manage to fall pregnant in consecutive years? What's with having 4 under 4? 3 "surprise" pregnancies! Why did my baby die after everything we went through to have them? These are all statements and questions that women share on the journey. 

I am fortunate that I have two healthy living children that I am eternally grateful to be able to hold in my arms and watch them grow. I also have three waiting for me in heaven, including Ava. 

I have been told the words "I'm sorry there is no heartbeat, your baby stopped growing weeks ago", I have been shattered hearing that my fertility has been reduced even further due to damage caused by an ectopic pregnancy. I have held my tiny baby Ava Grace in my arms and then had to let her go. 

I have also been on the path of infertility. 

Infertility - It's another word alongside miscarriage/stillbirth/early induction that can at times provoke an uncomfortable silence but more often that not, well meaning but utterly devasting comments that hurt to the core.

Just relax 

My husbands brothers cousins friend had to do IVF and they had triplets!

Go on a holiday, that worked for me!

You obviously aren't meant to have more children 

Why would you want another, you already have a pigeon pair (well they forget about Ava) 

More kids cost more, think yourself lucky 

Quit while your ahead 

Don't roll the dice 

You might end up with another baby who has something wrong 

What if you miscarry again

You know another baby won't replace her

Do you wish you didn't use a favourite name for her and saved it for another?

The older you get the more risks there are that your baby will have something wrong with it 

The age gap will be way too big

Are you the only one in your family that has issues falling pregnant?

Doesn't your twin sister have 3 healthy children?

You'll have a spoilt child since you will have two kids at school and another at home 

I didn't think you would want another after losing babies

I wouldn't try again if it happened to me 

Can the medications your on (for infertility) cause your baby to have birth defects? Was the medication you took to fall with Ava the reason for her birth defects?

The list goes on and on and these are just some of the things people have said to me.

Some of it is well meaning and I know they say it because they don't know what to say but I can tell you now telling someone to relax and then it will happen is a ridiculous thing to say to someone who has both physical and hormonal reasons for infertility. 

I have only ever had one natural conception where no intervention was needed and that was more than 8 years ago, so I think it's quite reasonable to assume that 8 years later that a naturally occurring pregnancy would have to be in the miracle category! 

I have completed 17 rounds of ovulation induction which is a type of assisted conception using medication. I have done 1 full IVF cycle and 1 frozen embryo transfer. I have swallowed pills,  I have given myself countless needles - at one point 3 a day, I have hundreds of blood tests to the point of now having blown veins and scars which are visible on my arms. I have endured multiple surgeries and invasive tests. I know way to much gynaecological and fertility language that only doctors and nurses should know. I understand hormone levels and what it all means. I know the disappointment of cancelled cycle after cancelled cycle and just wanting to have a chance! 

I am incredibly grateful to modern medicine and living in a country where I have access to safe and affordable treatments. A few generations ago my story would have been very different. These days specialists can do wonderful things to manipulate hormones and bypass physical issues that may be working against you. 

Infertility in itself is a lonely, soul destroying, joy crushing journey. Infertility after loss just adds another layer to your grief. I have come across way too many women who have conceived their miracle after years and years of infertility only to lose their baby in an instant. Every month that you aren't pregnant after loss just reminds you of what you have lost and who isn't here with you now. You live trying to reconcile with yourself just how much you wanted the baby who isn't here with you now, but also how desperate you are to be pregnant again and growing a life inside of you. You are fully aware that another baby is not at all a replacement. You just don't want your story to end the way that is has. Trying to conceive after loss is incredibly scary. You have to leave yourself open to possibly exposing yourself to incredible pain once again. You have to push the fear to the side to make way for a tiny speck of hope. You have to believe that through the pain and tears that it will be worth it because that's the only thing that picks you up to try again the next month. 

After all, 

Ella was worth it.

Oliver was worth it.

Ava was worth it. 

Hopefully this journey we have walked the last few years will end with holding a living baby that gets to come home and use their siblings things that have been packed away for some time now. I hope my kids get to greet a sibling that will let out a cry, not one that is silent. There are sadly many families who are parents to children they can't hold. There are also many families who go through the loss of fertility and the dream of having the family they dreamed about. 

This is just part of my story, it's not the start and it's not yet the end...

Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day advertisement

For all bereaved families in the local and wider community, you are invited to the Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day ceremony held at Nepean Hospital on the 14th October 2016. If you are not in the Penrith area, many hospitals and support services also hold their own Remembrance Day services. I feel honoured to have been asked to speak and share about Ava and her legacy at this years event.

Seeds for Siblings

A couple of weeks ago I came across an article on social media about a small organisation helping bereaved siblings. 

I was really instantly interested as it is not often to hear about support for siblings who have lost a brother or sister. 

"Seeds for Siblings provides children who have experienced the loss of a sibling during pregnancy or the days after birth with handmade fabric bags containing Sunflower Seeds. These seeds can then be planted in memory of their brother or sister." - seeds for siblings 

I love the little rock that came with the sunflower seeds. It will sit perfectly in our garden. Ava's name is handpainted on one side and a sunflower on the other side. 

Our kids were excited to receive these and can't wait to plant and watch their sunflowers grow. What a sweet connection this will be to their little sister. 

Thankyou Jamilla in what you have started to help beareaved families. You truly acknowledge the loss that these children feel. 

https://www.facebook.com/seedsforsiblings/

www.seedsforsiblings.com 

Ava Grace No Footprint Too Small - Update July 2016

I haven't blogged in quite awhile! However I have been very busy here at Ava Grace No Footprint Too Small Headquarters the past few months. 

The volunteer group that I began more than a year ago has grown considerably. We have lots of new members who are contributing gorgeous items for the precious babies that we do this for. 

I am proud to say we are able to deliver baby items from the tiniest of babies that can be held (approximately 14 weeks) right up to 42 week, full term stillborn babies. We have also delivered items to seriously ill and premature babies in Neonatal Intensive Care Units. 

I have sent tiny miscarriage packages to families too so that they have something tangible to hold as quite often these families are left with nothing except perhaps an ultrasound picture. 

The hospital's we have donated to: 

Nepean Public Hospital NSW

Nepean Private Hospital NSW

Westmead Public Hospital NSW 

Royal Darwin Hospital NT

Women's and Children's Hospital SA 

We have also sent items to SANDS QLD and directly to families who have requested packages. 

We, as a collective group have donated well over a thousand items, possibly more. As the group has grown I have had to change how I keep track of everything so have made some recent changes to help with the administration side of things. 

We are donating:

Blankets

Quilts 

Teddies 

Gowns

Dresses

Pants

Cardigans 

Beanies

Bonnets

Booties 

Overalls 

Angel pouches

Sleeping bags 

Pillows

Jewellery 

Headbands 

Nappies 

What is the most asked about item when talking to bereaved parents? You may be surprised! It is nappies. So many parents have said they wish their baby had a nappy to wear and what dignity and worth that simple item would bring to their baby. 

We have recently had an influx of donated Weddinf Dresses lately and these are being transformed into te most amazing Angel Gowns and Wraps. These are so special and I don't take for granted the sacrifice of these women giving up their dresses for this cause that is so important. Each dress/gown is very unique and something families will treasure.

Donated in memory of Elijah Clune

Generous people have donated fabric, yarn, ribbon, cards and much more which is put to good use!  

We have volunteers from all around Australia who are busy creating items from patterns, modifying patterns to fit the tiny bubs and even writing their own patterns! 

I am kept busy photographing and packaging each item and then organising donations. 

We have met socially for dinner and afternoon tea and now meet once a month on a the third Sunday of every month, at a fantastic shop called "Sew Can I". The owner of the shop Karen has been so generous offering it to us as both a meeting point and use of her facilities as well as a drop off point for donations. I am very thankful to her. Thankyou to Susanne for doing so much of the organising of these meet ups for the group. I really appreciate it and the drive you use to grow the group! 

I have been contacted by a few families who have received our packages and they have been thankful to have something beautiful to dress and wrap their baby in. I love to hear their baby's name and have seen some amazing photos that show how lovely these items look. 

If you are interested in joining our volunteer group please send me an email at avagracenfts@gmail.com or join our FB volunteer page via this link 

https://www.facebook.com/groups/1692090737678771/ this FB page is a closed group where volunteers post photos, share patterns, ask questions and also where we advertise social gatherings. We would love you to have a look at what we are doing. 

I also have a public FB page called Ava Grace No Footprint Too Small. I post my blog posts, articles and pictures of volunteer creations on this page. This is the link if you would like to follow https://www.facebook.com/Ava-Grace-No-Footprint-Too-Small-456622537829000/

If you would like to contact me I have a new email address avagracenfts@gmail.com

Looking forward to seeing where we are in another years time and seeing how far Ava's legacy reaches. 

14-20 weekers donation 

Sleeping bags/angel pouch