The moment you meet your baby!

I have been going over the first moments of Ava's birth the last few days and I am reminded of all the feelings and emotions that came with her birth - both good and bad.

When I had our first two children I felt an instant wave of love and protection for them - seeing Ava immediately after her birth I felt exactly the same. I was in awe. I was excited to meet her, to call her the name we had picked just for her! The first pictures taken of me after her birth are of  me beaming ear to ear while I held her and took in every tiny and beautiful feature. We discussed every inch of her body, from her petite ears, to her tiny nose to her perfect fingers.

I know that people who haven't experienced a still and silent birth probably find this hard to believe, and there will be others who have themselves experienced their baby being born still and they have not felt how I felt, but this is my story, this is Ava's story.

A moment of your heart being completely full of love and at the same time being shattered into a million pieces.

The tears did come and when they came they did not stop, but I don't remember crying until the following morning when I woke up knowing she wasn't coming home and we would be leaving without her.

Stuck in the middle

Two days ago I caught up with two work friends. They are both currently on maternity leave and have beautiful babies. It wasn't until the very end of a lovely catch up with them both that it hit me. I should be on maternity leave, I shouldn't be planning a catch up around my work schedule, I should be planning it around my babies sleep and feed routines.

 These friends have both been incredibly supportive, caring and sensitive with everything we went through both before and after losing Ava. But it hurt, I talked to them about it and they both said they were worried about hurting me and causing me pain. They had been thinking about it the whole time before we even caught up, whereas it didn't hit me until the end when we were walking out and they were pushing their prams. 

It's not the first time I have been surrounded by babies or stood there and heard exciting pregnancy and birth announcements, while I try and catch my breath, but what was different this time was that I suddenly found myself caught in the middle. I was caught in the middle between two babies who had birthdates both at similar times of when Ava was actually born earlier this year and also near Ava's original due date. I was looking at these super cute and gorgeous babies and felt stuck between thinking of what happened and what should of been but wasn't. 

I loved that we shared some of our birth stories and at least in that moment I had 3 stories to tell, I love that they said Ava's name, just as they did my other two children and didn't try to change the subject and look uncomfortable when I spoke of her. 

This is just something that us bereaved mummies and daddies have as part of our journey beyond our babies life and death. I can't change it, my friends can't change it, even though I know they wish they could. 

There was one baby very much missing from the Coffee Club last Wednesday. 

(My two good friends knew I was going to use this experience as a blog post, so thank you to them for being so understanding that blogging is part of my way of processing everything! Xxx for K and C and their babies) 

That Empty Room

This room is our 4th bedroom. We moved to our new house knowing we would be expanding and completing our family. We moved in more than 2 years ago. This is what the room looks like today. When we first moved in this room was set up as a study/music room. When  we fell pregnant with Ava we didn't change things straight away but I thought by taking a step of faith when we were told she was sick and setting some things up that Ava would just have to be ok. 

I was so wrong, she was never going to be ok, she never was going to sleep in this room. 

I had always thought the gap would be similar between our first two children so that the cot wouldn't need putting away, the change table would still be needed etc. 

Instead we have this ugly looking 4th bedroom that is no longer a study - it's just a room that is a constant reminder that someone is missing. Sure it holds the fabric and donations for Ava Grace No Foorptint Too Small, it has some of the kids bulky toys thrown around, but it also has baby furniture that is getting dusty and the chest of drawers contain baby girls clothes, that my 6 year old daughter gets out and tries to fit into them and dresses her dolls with. I haven't  managed to open one drawer since we came home from hospital in March without Ava. 

I don't know what to do with the room. I don't know what to do with the cot, and I really can't bear to part with Ella's pretty baby clothes that I was so excited to be dressing Ava in considering she was due to be born only a month before Ella's birthday. 

I know it's just an empty room and it seems like such a waste not to do anything with it.

We could still be living in our little house and still be driving a small car and everyone would have fit. 

I know life doesn't always pan out the way we dreamed it too, and yes before you say it, I am grateful for the children and life I do have, but it's hard not to think of myself sitting next to the cot, patting a baby to sleep (because surely our 3rd child wouldn't be a refluxer and would sleep!) while reminding the older two kids to play quietly while she sleeps. 

What an awful,empty room that just stands still down the hallway with no purpose but to hold unused baby things.