2021

 It’s been awhile since I have written, yet it doesn’t mean I think about our Ava Grace any less often. 

I have taken on a new role at my work which I am loving but it does take more of my time and my three children I hold in my arms keep me very busy with all their commitments and activities! 

I am still donating baby clothes made lovingly by amazing volunteers to hospitals for bereaved families, just at a much slower pace. I always said I wanted Ava Grace No Footprint Too Small to be sustainable and long term and this is proving to be the case after almost six years. It has been lovely but at the same time heartbreaking to be contacted by hospitals who have previously accepted our baby clothes asking for more. The need is always going to be there unfortunately, but at least this is one way myself and other volunteers can help. 

This year Ava would have been starting kindergarten. The lead up to the day was extremely different as I fell became into deep grief. I am fortunate that I have found ways to function even when deep grief hits me so that life continues but the pain is very real and still physically hurts. My baby girl is almost 6 years old in heaven. February is a hard month as I re-live every appointment, every scan, every invasive test I went through hoping and praying we would bring home a healthy baby girl. This leads into March and her birthday on the 16th. For the past few years I have marked her birthday by purchasing gifts for my three living children. I wrap them up and they open them. The way I see it is that I am desperate to see Ava opening her presents with excitement which will sadly never happen so it makes me happy to see my three living children opening a present for themselves for being brave living their lives without their sister. I will be shopping for their presents in the next few weeks. 

The thought that I have lived almost six years without Ava takes my breathe away. It seems like a lifetime but also like it was just yesterday that I was holding her. People often think grief goes away. It doesn’t, you just learn to live walking beside it. If Ava were here our family would be entering a new season with all of our kids in primary school. Our life’s path is different to what we were envisioning six years ago but it’s also a good path and one with a three year old that I cherish! I love my time at home with him watching him explore and develop. He has only two more years until he starts kindergarten. 

Thank you in advance for saying Ava’s name and wishing her a Happy 6th Birthday next month. I will never ignore her birthday or pretend she didn’t exist even though some people may feel uncomfortable. She was here and made her footprint 👣 in this world and on my heart. 

Article in the Western Weekender

About a week again I had a journalist contact me wanting to talk about women accessing leave after having a stillbirth. Ava wasn’t technically a stillbirth as she was under 20 weeks but I still welcome changes to any workplace laws that allow women to take the time to grieve without worrying about work and finances. 

Attached is a link to the article that appeared in the Western Weekender.  https://westernweekender.com.au/2020/09/families-welcome-laws-that-improve-leave-offered-to-mothers-devastated-by-stillbirth/

A New Year and Milestone

If Ava Grace were here today, I would be preparing her to start pre-k in just a few days. I wish I was ironing her uniform ready for her to wear on her first day this week.

She would of been in the three day class and I know she would of loved being at big school with her big brother and sister. They would of loved having her there too. If she was anything like Ella she would have fun playing dress ups and in the home corner. She would be quiet and inquisitive and just waiting for new opportunities and friends. I think she would of had brown hair like me but maybe she would of been blonde like Ella and Oliver at the same age. Oliver would hold her hand as we walk in to school. I would be holding back tears trying to put on a brave face that my baby was in her last year before formal schooling and marvelling at how quick the years go by.

I think one of the things I have learnt whilst on my grief journey the last five years is that I need to acknowledge my grief, let myself grieve and be honest with myself and let myself feel what I am feeling. Trying to “skip” over milestone dates never works for me as much as I have sometimes tried.

It was also the first week back at school that we were first given Ava’s preliminary diagnosis, the next 6 weeks were filled with fear, uncertainty, desperate hope, anguish and pain. This part of the year is draining for me as I process everything that has happened whilst setting up routine for the coming year.

If you see me with a smile, I may be smiling but I also may be hurting deep within never for a moment forgetting my Ava Grace.

NSW Women of the Year Awards

Yesterday, on Friday 1st March I went to Nepean Hospital and stood in a room very close to the room where Ava was born. This room is being set up for bereaved parents by the wonderful midwives and staff who work on the antenatal ward. I feel that Nepean Hospital are leading the way in bereavement care in NSW and are a model that many other hospitals can learn from. The staff that work there and care for families are amazing.
My good friend Natasha who is a bereaved mother of Elijah and four gorgeous boys at home came with me and it was so special to have her with me as Natasha has been a dedicated volunteer for Ava Grace No Footprint Too Small. She is very talented and is able to knit, crochet and sew the small baby items we donate to Nepean and hospitals around the country. My husband Mat was there to support me along with Jesse our rainbow baby who is now 21 months old. My friend Meagan was there and Shirley who is the wonderful midwife who gratefully accepts our donations to the ward along with Alisha who provides bereavement care.

I was invited to the hospital and Antenatal Ward as I was being presented the Mulgoa 2019 Local Woman of the Year Award by the Hon. Tanya Davies MP Member for Mulgoa, NSW Minister for Women. It was lovely to speak with her and tell her some of Ava's story and what we are doing at Ava Grace No Footprint Too Small.


It was a humbling experience and such an honour being presented the award for my work with Ava Grace No Footprint Too Small. I started the volunteer group soon after Ava was born as a way of giving back and working through my grief. I was sitting at a sewing machine trying my best to sew simple blankets and nappies for other parents who would walk the same path that we were now walking. I treasured the items that amazing charities and volunteers had given to Nepean Hospital to pass on to us so that our daughter would have something to wear and something that we could hold in our hands when she was gone. I have so many wonderful volunteers who work with me to provide these clothes and items to hospitals and this award is as much for them as it is for me with all the hours they spend and money they spend on materials and yarn. I handed over a box of recently made items comprising of blankets, teddy bears and clothing packages.

In just 2 weeks it will be Ava's 4th Birthday on the 16th March. I am coping much better this year and thankfully I haven't suffered from the crippling flashbacks that I experienced in the lead up to Ava's 3rd Birthday last year. I still grieve everyday for the "what if" and "should have been" but I am truly learning to walk beside my grief and not have it consume me like it did in the early days when it was so raw and physically painful. I am able to think of her with a smile on my face and everything she has brought to my life, even though some days the tears fall.

This coming Thursday 7th March I will be attending the NSW Women of the Year Awards. I am looking forward to hearing and meeting inspirational women who are making a difference in their communities. Thankyou to each and every volunteer and supporter of Ava Grace No Footprint Too Small.

Comfort For The Tears Book

A couple of years ago I was contact by author and bereaved mother Melissa Desveaux. She was putting a book together of stories from parents who had experienced pregnancy loss, gone through a NICU journey with premature babies and stories from those who had been through infertility and IVF. She asked if I wanted to share Ava's story, which I did. I wrote her birth story which is also on my blog. It was published under the name "Comfort for the Tears, Light for the way" and recently she has published it againwith the title "Comfort for the Tears" with a few changes and added more stories.

Below I will share what the back of the book says:

Written by those who have been devastated by loss or grief before, during, and after pregnancy, courageously told as only those who have suffered immense tragedy can…

Comfort for the Tears takes you on an emotional journey into the lives of multiple families. Each account of pregnancy and infant loss, fertility struggles, and premature births is honest, raw and real, yet sensitive and compassionate.

This collective memoir provides support, guidance, and love through the incredibly hard times of grief. Find healing and solace as you join these parents. Be empowered and strengthened by their stories. Most importantly, learn to hope again.


I would love you to support Melissa in what she is doing to support others. If you would like to purchase a copy of the book you can search for it at Amazon and also Barnes and Noble online
 https://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/comfort-for-the-tears-melissa-desveaux/1130038044?ean=9780992499372

The link to Melissa's website is bit.ly/comfortforthetears

Comfort for the Tears Sneak Peek

Sneak Peek of Comfort for the Tears book

melissa-desveaux.clickfunnels.com

A look back of Ava Grace No Footprint Too Small 2018

I had taken a long break from Ava Grace No Footprint Too Small following a stressful and high risk pregnancy with our rainbow Jesse and then many months getting back into the routine of having a young baby.

I had decided that when I started donating again I needed it to be sustainable. I don't have much storage space anymore as Jesse is in what was our spare bedroom so I could not take on or store huge quantities of baby blankets and clothes. I take on what I can, when I can so that I can do this long term as a legacy for Ava. This year I have sent packages to Adelaide, Victoria, QLD and NSW. I have had hospitals contact me asking for more items when they have gone through all that has been given in the past. I was able to do this because of wonderful volunteers who give up their time and spend money on wool and sewing materials to make these items. I have also had the pleasure of meeting over lunch with some of the more local volunteers.

I have also decided to try and focus in especially on babies who have passed away between 12-24 weeks as this is often what hospitals receive the least of. I am deeply saddened when I hear of families still not having any thing to dress and wrap their babies in which to me is common decency that these babies and families deserve. If you know of hospitals that could use tiny baby clothes then please get in contact with myself as I would love to help. Just in December I posted and delivered more than 30kg of baby clothes.

I have also been able to send individual packages out to grieving families this year when they have contacted me. if you ever hear of someone in this circumstance please let me know as I would love to help out in any way I can.

2019 has begun and I am hoping to carry on Ava's legacy by helping more hospitals and families reach bereaved families. 

Find us on Facebook at Ava Grace No Footprint Too Small. I have a Public Page and I also have a private page for volunteers if you would like to help!

Tiny Dancer

About a month ago I attended my children's dance concert. It was a wonderful day seeing both Ella and Oliver perform as they both love to dance. They had the opportunity to dance in two concerts that day. The junior concert and the senior concert.

The junior concert features some very young dancers, some as young as 2-3 years of age. I still remember when we fist watched Ella dance on the stage at 2 years of age, it was gorgeous seeing her smile underneath the lights.

Ava would of turned 3 last year. She would of joined a dance class either last year or the year before and would of been performing at the concert. 3 years ago, seeing toddlers dance on stage would of had me all choked up trying to force back tears. I didn't cry this year and I was able to watch these tiny dancers with a smile on my face as they were incredibly cute. However, I think it is always going to be difficult seeing anything that could of been a milestone event for our little girl. The "what if's and "should of been" and "could of been" memories are always there driving a knife into my  shattered heart.

Pregnancy loss is unfortunately common, that means that in that auditorium there would of been other parents watching dancers of all ages picturing their child centre stage and what the scene would of looked like.

My tiny dancer is dancing in heaven and I can't wait to see her dance!